Brilliant commentary.
brilliant.
Word!
Excellent Dutch.
I saw and loved Avalon too.However the most prominent memory about the movie is the petty disagreements that the family would have with each other. There was a near Hatfield/McCoy like feud because one branch cut the turkey before the other one got there. "You cut the turkey without me!" is the line I remember.
So in that manner, it's just like our family's Thanksgiving. We hate each other over nothing too. Then we have false sentimentality over how great life was when Gram was alive or when everyone was still on their first wife.
great to hear from you again, lisa.
I have no problem with avalon as a movie. what I'm troubled by is mitch albom's use of it as he applies what is a sad fact about his own aging family to everyone else in American society.
I am so sick of this kind of sloppy crap from mainstream journalists.
Take that, Mitch Albom! Can Monday Night Soapbox Smackdown become a regular SJ feature?
Thanks for opening the comments dude! You can write way better than Mitch Albom. 
I had not heard of Mitch Albom prior to reading this post but he reminds me of Nicholas Sparks whom I consider to be the ultimate in sappy authors.
Yeah I actually cannot find a reason to read that much in the Detroit Free Press anymore so I get the Sunday only for the grocery store coupons and use the rest as what it merit earns...fireplace fuel.
I do read the freep.com (don't start me on that brilliant name) and find myself attracted to The Mitch's blitherings the same way I find myself attracted to Twinkies...like a disgusting act of self debilitation I read. What is REALLY entertaining is to read the comments people leave defending the Mitch and ripping him to shreds.
I remember when I could write a decent column about the Red Wings here and there...except I have always hated his repeated theme line at the end of each section as if he thought his main idea was so good he had to keep reminding you of it.
He's a puke bag. I haven't read his books...I've also stopped eating Twinkies so maybe I'm in recovery.
Always lovin your Dtown commentary.
I can't seem to get away from this man! He's insufferable on Sunday morning as a panelist on Espn's "Sports Reporters" and now he's made an appearance on one of my favorite blogs.
Did you know that in the 90s when the free press went on strike, albom crossed the picket line -- would be fun to dig around and find the soapboxes that emerged as he pissed off all his colleagues. A quick google search and....pretty sure they all thought he was douche bag extraordinaire. The fourth hit is "Mitch Albom: Still Full of Gooey Crap".
the urge to pipe in that Albom is a plagiarist is overwhelming. that i will forever be disgusted that some poor kid working at the paper said, "this didn't happen" and he was told to shut up, because, THIS GUY WROTE TUESDAYS WITH MORIE. i love how he knows how many pilgrims there were--by demographic!--but the movie takes place "sometime" and his information is vague.
i'm seething in a comment for someone's blog i don't even know! this is out of hand and i think i'll seethe offline now.
I bet you like the "art" of Thomas Kinkaide too.
I like that he knows how many pilgrims there were, by demographic, and even some of their names, but the 'Wampanoag Indians'? Naah. There were 90 of them.
Argh. This is the kind of shit my in-laws will clip out of the paper and mail to me...likely with a handwritten note explaining that they're praying for me.
I love that you created a "mitch albom" label for this post. Fantastic!
sigh...I wish we were friends & I could rag on you about the cheap "jockey" shot and you would know it was with the greatest regard & affection, and that I think you're better than that.
To wit, the restaurant scene and your wrap-up are pure Dutch gold.
Seriously, this should be a weekly feature on Sweet Juniper.
I second the vote for a weekly Mitch v. Dutch feature on Sweet Juniper.
And I think Jodi's right; maybe you could pepper the piece with some of Kinkaide's lighthouses. Or houses covered in flowers. Oooh, I see a Dutch v. Kinkaide smack down, too! Your response to his "art" could be all those incredible shots of the urban prairie.
I've not heard of Mitch until just now but he's nothing short of horrific. Why do local papers have to suck so bad when there are plenty of people about (such as yourself) who can actually write intelligent sap?
I love you, and you made a good point at the end, but this seemed a little mean.
I haven't laughed so hard in so long. I thought I was the only one who thought Mitch Album was a schmoe. And WHAT was Flap doing in one of his movies?
You write wonderfully, Dutch. I wet my pants!
Oh my God, I had no idea there was a Detroit connection. Incredible. Motown AND Tuesdays With Morrie dude???
We just got Tivo and apparently you can move television to the computer somehow. I'm very seriously considering starting a blog dedicated to the very fine news broadcasts that come out of Detroit along these same lines. I don't know if Detroit is exceptionally bad, or I'm just noticing it more these days, but I practically crap myself with laughter at least once every time I catch WXYZ at 5.
lol to Jana's comment...I'm in the same situation, only it's my mom, not my mother-in-law.
My mom actually unknowingly sent me TWO copies of Chicken Soup for the Pregnant Woman's Soul.
Actually, he does sports stuff on tv. Watching that doesn't make me want to vomit like reading that column did.
Aw, c'mon. At least it distracts people from the yawning maw of meaninglessness that life really is.
But where are the columns for the rest of us? Where is the columnist who will admit that our existence is Sisyphean nightmare from which death is a welcome respite? I want a column for my demographic.
Love his sapphire ribbed tee.
poor guy would have had a coronary listening to the way my kids described the first thanksgiving tonight:
"when the illegal immigrant white man came and starting killing all the native born people?"
purest holiday indeed. good lord.
i'm with jane- that attack on folks who eat at applebee's was completely uncalled for. just not nice.
"...it's more likely that no one in your extended family wants [?] spend three days sleeping..."
[I think your forgot a word? You know...just in case he reads this you might want to cross your T's]
entertaining read.
Actually, I believe we said Olive Garden, not Applebees. Maybe that will console the Applebees defenders. Or rile up the Olive Garden ones.
Dude, I just wrote this long ass comment only to have it go missing.
I like when you write about Detroit and Detroit related things. The end. Love, HB
I respectfully disagree with your admission to schmaltz. Part of the reason I love this site is that you are the rare writer who can be sincere and profound without resorting to it. Most of us trying to avoid schmaltz rely on humor to keep the truth from sounding corny or depressing. It's very hard to write from the heart without coming across as a melodramatic cheeseball.
The fact that you can, when you choose to be serious about something emotional or touching, inspire people by laying it out there straight without hiding behind jokes or descending into Schmaltzville is testament to the fact that you have more talent in your little finger than this man has in his entire body.
That last line was the best retort ever to all cranky old people.
I respectfully disagree with other commenters about a weekly smackdown. For my part, I'd rather read more of your own original thought than anything at all to do with Mitch Albom.
I can now expect my grandmother to cut that column out of the newspaper and send it to me overseas, along with a four-page letter in her spidery hand on yellow paper from her endless supply of legal pads.
Was there a sappy comic strip about baking the turkey with the plastic bag still inside below the column?
She'll probably send that too.
HA! This totally made my morning.
One of the theatres in my city (which has the balls to call itself the area's "most adventurous theatre") produced a STAGE VERSION of Tuesdays With Morrie last year. And you know, that just begs the question: How did we advance so far and go so backward?
Nice commentary. What a sappy article, and frankly, the last part is a bit insulting to people without large families. That he thinks it's sad that only a family of four is gathered to celebrate is ridiculous. And in front of the tv no less! Hey, Mitch, would it be okay if they were watching Avalon?
olivia, you've touched on something that bothered me about the column that I'm not sure I articulated.
at first I thought this was just a lame attempt to extend the War on Christmas to his favorite holiday (the war on Christmas is so 2005; in 2007 it's the War on Thanksgiving). he is trying to make his own personal family difficulties universal. it's not only unfair to people with small families, it's unfair to people who are just starting families. it's unfair to people who through new moves, marriages, births, or whatever are getting together on a large scale for the first time.
I mean whatever, it's just a mitch albom column. he probably wrote it from his first class seat on the way home from a college football game. he's a textbook hack. he churns out folksy schlock like this every week, playing to the lowest common denominator. and I'd bet my bottom dollar he's going to spend thanksgiving afternoon in the press box at Ford Field, anyway.
So clever. Love this.
Actually, last night my roomate was reading a list of the top ten bestsellers in different nations around the world (everywhere from Ireland to Ukraine). The American list was so horridly pathetic next to everyone else's. Half of ours is always diet books.
"you look like a jockey who'd ride Dennis Kucinich around Washington"
Thanks for the visual! hilarious.
in agreement.
I'll bet my favorite apple pie that my born-again, bypass heart surgery laden godfather will bring a clipping of this Mitch Albom column with him to dinner on Thursday. I love him dearly, but he used to preach and evangelize at dinners, and after a million sour fights he no longer does that but instead preaches about good old-timey american values. He likes to bring print outs of those internet chain mail things. You know, 'honk if dying babies makes you cry'.
I mean, in all honesty I would rather have the later.
I realized something after our dinner last week and I have a new theory which amuses me.
If everyone stopped living in their shitty suburban houses and moved to Detroit, made it into the type of neighborhood people are proud to live in, want to fix up and not let decay....you would hate the city and then you'd be living in the shitty suburbs wondering why everyone wants to live in the overcrowded city. 
but of course, ma chérie. such is the life of a contrarian.
I'd always disliked Mitch Albom on principle, and also because his name is Mitch, but I had never before seen what he looked like. That photo of his pale tiny arms poking out of a ribbed...mockneck, is it?...will haunt me in my nightmares.
Ha! Melissa. Good one.
I'm glad you articulated the whole "large-family" thing a bit more in the comments, Jim. I think that's what pisses me off the most about this (and other faux-folksy conservative columnists).
I wonder how much you added to the story by choosing to identify the buffet goers as obese.
Fat is so hilarious!
that's my fucking family you're talking about.
I particularly liked the part where he takes a passive-aggressive shot at people from divorced families.
yeah, divorce sucks because it makes it hard for everyone to come to mitch albom's house for three full days of giving thanks.
such a good post! loved, loved, loved it.
Yeah, the divorce thing grated on me. As a child of split parents, I spent every major holiday in four different houses: one parent, other parent, first parent's extended family, second parent's extended family. It made me dread the holidays. I think I would have choked someone if they would have implied that my holiday schedule ruined their holiday.
Don't forget that Mitch also takes a shot at people who don't have the disposable income he does. "What, a $400 airfare for each member of your family is going to prevent you from coming to Thanksgiving this year? You must not appreciate what the holiday is about."
And I guess Mitch doesn't have any blue-collar relatives or people whose offices are open on Friday but don't have enough leave saved up to spare a day. (I'm thinking of women who are pregnant but not covered under FMLA, saving their precious vacation days for a paycheck next year, or people who have just returned to work after an illness/injury, having burned through all their vacation just to keep their income going.) I had relatives growing up who worked retail and had to be at the grocery store on Thanksgiving so we couldn't eat until late. I guess Mitch would shake his head and wax poetic about bygone days at those aunts and uncles.
If only we could all be as rich, flexibly employed and unencumbered by divorce as Mitch.
I have to say Dutch, for someone who spends an awful lot of time romanticizing the past himself, you sure do have it in for the schlockier members of your club. I'd hate to be on the wrong side of your very sharp pen.
I have been waiting for someone to point that out dregina. I do try to be vigilant about my own nostalgia peddling, and hope I don't venture too often into this territory of grumpy old manishness. In looking back on writing this, I think it is as much about my frustrations with my father, and myself, as it is with mitch albom.
sorry to subject you all to a dutchman's therapy.
HOWLING. Someone upthread mentioned Albom's repetition of his theme line. When I was in journalism school every male student who wasn't doing bad Hunter S Thompson did bad Mitch Albom. And yes, there is such a thing -- that style gets worse in the hands of a marginally talented 20-year-old.
I'll admit to thinking the ending of Avalon was sad--mostly the eating in front of the TV instead of the small family. And I do get so curmudgeonly about retail stores opening on Thanksgiving. People! One day without shopping! So the people who work in those stores can have a day off!
But this column rubbed me the wrong way too, and I wasn't sure why. You and your astute commenters have nailed it.
(hey, were you guys in Palmer Park?)
That last line was just perfect, Dutch.
I think we should all find out where Mitch lives and show up on Thursday. Tell him we are long lost cousins who saw his article and wanted to surprise him. Then stay till Christmas. (Of course he would then have fodder for writing articles about crappy house guests and "not knowing when to leave - where have our manners and graciousness gone America?"
What sets Dutch apart is the fact that he writes here in blogosphere for his own amusement, not for a big paper that doles out $$ for anything attached to a bestsellers name. I'd much rather read about Dutch's crazy experiences in Europe or at a haunted house and the characters he has encountered than some contrived inferences about the American human condition as a whole, youth suck, blah blah blah.
The saddest, must gut wrenching thought of all is that somewhere out there are a shitload of Americans who buy Mitch's shit, or he wouldn't be where he is today. As Dutch mentioned, they are probably at Applebee's as we speak.
Dutch, you've heard it hundreds of times by now, but your photography of a decaying Detroit is breathtaking. It makes me want to come and see it for myself, before it is all gone. It reminds me of the scenes our heads were filled with as children about this country after a nuclear war. So scary and so beautiful. I love the images where nature is taking back over. Gives me hope that no matter what we do to screw it all up, nature will recover.
Well I think romanticizing the past and antiromanticizing about the present are kinda different. And Mitch Albom does both an awful lot. What a turd.
Well said, whippersnapper.
hey, hey now, didn't julia correct the quote to attacking people who eat at the olive garden?
we are attempting to host a patchwork family thanksgiving this year- hopefully no one gets too drunk to call anyone a bitch this time. i wonder how i'll romanticize that event to my grandkids 30 years from now- "back in the good old days, we had the good sense to drink too much and tell each other how we really felt about them. not like you kids today with the manners and the repressed feelings and all."
happy thanksgiving, you guys.
Very nice, Mr. Dutch...my family and my husband's family are getting together on Thanksgiving. Alas, there is no warm feelings of togetherness. There will be no chuckling at the children playing Lincoln Logs in the corner...there will be bitterness, disappointment, guilt, screaming kids and indigestion.
My father-in-law might be Mitch A. He loves to remind us of the "special times when he was a kid" where everyone got along, everyone was included and he was at the center of the universe.
p.s. jana. You made me laugh. My mother-in-law will clip it and tuck it into a book so I can happen upon and reflect on how poorly they are treated. She'll underline passages in the article, too.
HILARIOUS post. I actually kind of liked Mitch's sports columns in the early 90's. He could write about Olympic croquet and make you interested in it. But "Tuesdays..." and that "people you meet in heaven" book? Blech! What's that quote? "It's not like the good old days and it never was." Happy Thanksgiving!
I eat at Applebee's.
Sometimes when I read your posts, I just want to go back and delete every word I've ever written. You're so good and so honest. And although I don't know if it's your intention, you move other people to better their own writing. Their own selves.
I'm not going to lie - I read Tuesdays with Morrie and I cried. And I bought a copy for my mom and my friend with cancer and they cried. And then everyone cried and hugged and laughed.
And then I picked up The Five People You Meet in Heaven Give Me More Money I'm a Saint, and I thought - what a fucktard. And I wanted to fight him really, really badly.
The irony of Mitch Albom's "transformation" since Tuesdays? Morrie would tell him to lighten the fuck up.
Next up, Dutch/Jim analyzes Dave Barry and mocks Stephen King's lack of logical conclusions to his books.
so funny. brilliant.
and bitter.
ps. i meant that comment above as a compliment, it may not sound that way, but it is. it's that bitter drive that allows us to speak so honestly. i really admire that in your writing, and look to it for inspiration.
Great commentary. Exactly what I needed as Thanksgiving and The Day After loom over my head.
Sitting in my poorly constructed suburban house, I read that column and thought the same thing, "take a hint, Mitch." There are a lot of people getting together with their families for Thanksgiving, just no one wants to get together with *you*.
But my question is why do we read someone we hate? I do the same thing with Marney Rich Keenan, even though she infuriates me with her idiotic, cliched writing.
I'm so glad it's the day before Thanksgiving because the office is empty, thus less people are apt to have heard my laughter-stifling-induced snorts.
Mitch Albom is such a class-A DB. The sports columns are the worst. Like watching a montage of "We Are Marshall", "Remember the Titans", and "Rudy" all at once.
::: Shudders :::
Amen on the Mitch bashing.
I did read Tuesday's with Morrie and bawled like a baby. Everything he has written since then, however, is schmaltzy dreck sandwiched with nostalgia frosting, covered in a thick layer of cloying guilt.
You really should check him out on freep.com and add your comments to the many others that bash him regularly. It's worth a laugh.
I met him once in downtown Royal Oak. I'm about 5'8" and I towered over him. He really could be a jockey.
One more note to the person who mentioned the hilarity that is WXYZ news. Have you ever noticed that Diana Lewis and Stephen Clark always have matching outfits on? They are like the Bobbsey Twins gone bad.
Part of me appreciates how deftly you filet Mitch's essay.
But, I don't think there is anything wrong with Mitch's use of the We. Obviously, there are a lot of grandmothers out there, nodding their heads, readily identifying with the We. That's okay with me.
They need a We, too. It isn't as if you pass the age of 50 and suddenly lose your generational identity---in fact, it only seems to grow more intense as the numbers inevitably shrink. Mitch's stuff doesn't bother me because it wasn't written for me.
Let the grandmas with their 41 cent stamps have fun.
I love this. My boyfriend also despises this man. He sometimes read MA's columns out loud to me, in this weird, epic voice. It's kind of like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball- it is funny~
Maple Hill Mall parking lot!!!! ROFLMAO!
Maple Hill Mall wasn't built yet when I was a young kid, but I recall a similar bizarre Thanksgiving at the old Sveden House Buffet on Sprinkle Road.
Brilliant piece, as always.
Bossy just threw up a little. Is that normal?
It's one thing to be a realist, an intellectual, or a discerning reader. It's another to be arrogant, superior, and immensely cynical. Reading this post and most of these comments, I think "we" are immensely cynical as a generation.
my dad's family flew all the way from england for a full week of thanksgiving. and what are they doing? watching the entire season 5 of 24 on dvd.
i think keifer sutherlands portrayal of jack bauer shows us that we have a lot to be thankful for in these frightening times.
anyway, you're hilarious and really need to write your own book or something. or is that cliche? i'd buy it either way.
happy thanksgiving!
amazing.
how do people swallow that stuff?
and thanks for sticking up for the younger generation.... we're always getting shit for "ruining the culture," but i'm pretty sure it just goes in circles anyway.
cheers!
Everyone seems to get a little sappy and sentimental this time of year. I appreciate you doing this while retaining your grip on reality and recognizing that tomorrow we all have to go out and buy approx. 3% more than last year or we are unpatriatic and harming our country.
"We are so far from want," yet I have never lived in any other country where that truth is so distorted and systematically squelched.
I feel like Mitch's column is the same one I read in the local paper each year. Blah blah blah, the past was so nifty, etc, cliche cliche, the end. I loved your critique of the piece. Nice work as usual.
http://omnicrisis.wordpress.com/...ticle-on-swoon/
http://swindlemagazine.com/issue.../issue04/swoon/
yes, it's swoon!
THANK YOU for such a brilliant essay (which 70-whatever people are agreeing with except for one chick who's sensitive about her weight) and astutely pointing out that there's no we in his we. I love Thanksgiving, and always have. But we never had no stinkin' five-day Thanksgiving. That's a tradition strictly reserved for Bastille Day.
Mitch seems to think movies are reality. He is off his gourd to think the life shown in "Avalon" ever was real.
When "70-whatever people" (as mom101 put it) are agreeing with you and they tale potshots at the 2 slightly critical commenters, that's when you need to be careful, I think. And I just really need to stop reading comments. It doesn't seem to bring out the best in people.
Commenting by HaloScan
