Great story. We haven't done potty training yet, so I'm not sure what will happen with my son with the whole automatic flush thing. I hear talk you can use a post-it note to cover up that thing. You know, because I like to carry around post-it notes in my back pocket for any notes about how to be a more patient parent come up during the day. No need to thank me for this useful tip.
foo is the same way. we're in virginia at the moment where most of the public toilets are manual flush. we have the same ritual: earmuffs. she doesn't use the earmuffs for 4-letter words, but you can betcherarse that she's sitting on the pot anticipating how scared she'll be of the flush.
for the robotpots in airports, she pees whilst holding her hands over her ears, which leaves the wiping to me.
isn't it crazy what they choose to keep from us so they don't have to pee into loud potties? frustrational, at best.
but i don't believe for a moment that the junipers don't lead a charmed life. i think you just embellished your regularity/normalcy for empathy (insert smiley face colon closed parentheses thingy)
Hell, I don't blame Juney at all. I HATE those automatic robot toilets! Especially the ones that flush before I am finished and splash me - that makes me want to scream and cry too.
Thanks for the deeper glimpse into your life, and the reassurance that it's not all cultural events and Brussels sprouts on stalks. 
My daughter had many ear infections and temporary hearing loss due to the infections. She had tubes put in her ears and her hearing returned to normal. All of a sudden, public toilets seemed really loud to her. Now, she jumps off the toilet and covers her ears with her pants and underwear down around her ankles as she hobbles out of the stall quickly to avoid the noise.
Oh yes, the utopian lives of bloggers (and friends you see every couple of months for two hours). If I would have a dollar for every comment about "how perfect our children are, how well-behaved and easy-going they are in public, how easy we make it look to rear them, how we never seem stressed about being parents..." I'd be rich.
You are not the first person I've heard this same story from, and I fear our fast-approaching days of this exact same thing.
"Hell hath no fury like a preschooler who believes she's about to be sucked into the Detroit sewer system."
I cannot explain how hard I laughed out loud reading that sentence. Amazing.
A fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the raw clay you sculpt into art.
I have much the same thoughts about myself and my own blog every time I find myself yelling at whiny children every 5 minutes through one of Those Days. The only real difference is fewer people care about my pie chart. Oh, also I don't write as well and my kids don't call me "pops" despite my one attempt to encourage it.
As for the toilets, we haven't had any breakdowns over it, but they certainly don't enjoy it. I mostly get a wide-eyed look and a pleading, "Why did it do that?!?" (Another tip-- make sure you stand off to the side as much as you can, while she leans forward as much as she can. This should leave the typical sensor unaware she's even there.)
Every time we walk into a public bathroom, my three year old asks if it flushes by itself or not. If it does, we have a 78 percent chance of her freaking out when it does. If not, the only issue will be if I flush it too soon for her liking (about a 14 percent chance of her freaking out). A few months ago we had a similar breakdown to yours ... ours was at the quiet, quiet library. Ah, three year olds.
I totally understand Juniper here. The first time I was using an automatic flush toilet, my 'southern parts' got a good wash - I was so startled!
My little one is nearly six and really really does not like peeing anywhere but at home (or family homes). She is now in Kindergarten and her elementary school has automatic flushers. I feel bad for her...but I also find it really really funny. It's convenient honey, really, we want it to flush for us. Like yours, it flushes four times per pee because of her tiny body and wiggles. She loves that we can record television, or pause it so she can pee, but can't accept an autoflushing toilet. Poor kids ... and damn modern technology.
My son hates the automatic flushing toilets as well, but we have figured out how to make them stop. Before we get on the toilet we put a piece of toilet paper over the sensor. It really helps to stop the interim flushing so they can get off the toilet before they feel like they are being sucked down. Hope this helps.
Just wanted to join the chorus of "My 3-yr-old hates the automatic flush toilets". My husband has a remedy, though, that you might be able to use (provided you like to wear hats!): He hangs his hat over the sensor before the toilet use begins, and voila! Peaceful public bathroom visit... most of the time. 
Our church nursery has these same automatic flushers, only kid-sized, in the 3 YR OLD ROOM. I can't count how many accidents the poor Sunday School teachers have to clean up because the kids are too afraid to use the facilities. Obviously, the contractor/architect that designed the building didn't have a young child.
wait a minute ... you eat crappy food? that does it; i'm not reading your blog anymore.
I giggled so hard I could barely breathe. Thank you for posting this and for being such a hilarious storyteller. I need a good laugh today.
Yeah. I worked a trade show in new Orleans once with a wicked hangover. I used to be able to time a puke with a push down of a handle. That's pretty hard to do with those auto toilets. My yak missed the flush every time.
everything is better with pie charts.
"Screamers and Whiners Union, Local 413"
You kill me. I've never heard anything more apt.
and by apt - I mean *my* kids.... not yours.
After too many outings where my preschooler screamed bloody murder rather than use the auto flush toilets (including the DeYoung at the Chihuli exhibit) we now carry a little potty wherever we expect this may occur. This included SFO when flying to Holland (on top off all the other carry-on a family with a baby and a preschooler has). Perhaps you may want to get one to lug with you - it saves many an outing.
and so it goes.
i'm glad you share. you have a unique and distinct voice that i really enjoy reading.
My kid has discovered that the Temples of Art, the Blessed White Cubes, have excellent echoing properties. There was also the time I went to see an exhibtion of Hindi religious art where he ran around the room shouting "Cow! Moo! Moo!"
This is less than convenient when you're a student of Museum Studies and you're supposed to go to exhibitions a lot and make a good impression on museum staff. It's not fun anymore, so I don't go unless he falls asleep in the pram.
How about the new ultra fast hand dryers -- my daughter is feeling better about the auto-potties now that she has encountered a few of those things.
I also get asked to predict how loud any particular toilet might flush, regardless of who flushes it.
Grunty McGrunterpants? I thought you were talking about Juney there for a minute until I read further.
Score one more for the preschoolers afraid of loud flushes of all origins. My two daughters don't mind the "magic" toilets so much as the loudness of the high-powered flushes. They want time to cover their ears before a flush happens and they get really mad when a neighboring toilet does its deed without fair warning.
I really do need to take my kids to an art museum one of these days...
My daughter is equally terrified of the loud automatic flushers. I've taken to carrying post-its in my purse that I stick over the sensor when we're in the stall. They also work well as a coloring surface that stick to the table in restaurants.
Glad to hear your life isn't THAT idyllic...I mean, all that parsnip roasting and urban fruit gleaning had me a bit suspicious that you guys were actually cyborgs.
i have to say, i found your blog on the dia's website where there was one of your pictures from the book depository. its been a while since we had been to the museum, before my daughter was born and she's now nearly 15 months. we took her tonight for the first time! she had a great time, once she realized the african masks and egyptian statues weren't going to jump out and eat her alive. she liked the signs best...yep, the signs explaining the title and artist and date. she went from sign to sign, hugging and kissing and squealing, and once in a while stopping to call a painting of a woman "mommy."
My 14 year old still, still hates those things and will practically pee in a garbage can to avoid them.
One of the first posts I remember reading of yours was taking Juniper in a bjorn and using a urinal. Parenting, same shit, different day, always.
Bobbin HATES the "magic potties". There is one at the local mall and it is deafening. For some reason they saw fit to tile not only the floors and walls, but the ceilings as well in this bathroom, and the echoes continue long after the actual flushing is complete. She doesn't even want ME going in there because it's too scary. There've been a couple of times when I've had to force her into the bathroom, lock the door so she couldn't run off, and have her wait for me because I just couldn't hold it any longer myself. On the other side of that door I'm sure people thought I was abusing her from the screams of terror and protest that they were hearing.
I can't get her into any bathroom that has a "magic potty". And I'm barely able to negotiate her into a bathroom with the "old fashioned" kind. In response to the inevitable inquiry "Is it a loud potty?" I have to explain that it is louder than the one at home, but not as loud as the one at the mall. That will usually get her into the bathroom, but then I have to promise her that I will wait until she's way over by the sinks and has her ears covered and yells at me "I'M READY FOR YOU TO FLUSH" before I'll flush the toilet.
We had similar problems but with the automatic hand dryers. I lost count of the number of times I dried my lad's hands on my shirt.
By the way "Latrinaphobia" does not yet have an entry at Wikipedia if you have a spare five minutes.
What a complete ass, Grunty deserves some bad karma for that laugh.
My kid hates the "magic potties" too.
eek! not everyone in cyberspace is a savory character. talking about your daughter's underwear like that is ... odd.
ours is just now learning to use the potty; i'm afraid of what'll happen when we venture beyond the house to nice, public places like museums (not that atlanta has very many). she already peed down a curvy slide at the neighborhood playground.
I recommend using a post-it to block the sensor. Hope the suggestion helps.
Still growing my kid, so no word yet on how mine will feel about toilets. I will say though that one of the reasons I love this blog is that it *is* filtered and is all the better for it - there are other blogs out there that eventually got me very depressed as all they are is a parent whinging about how they long for their pre-child life, their kids drive them mad, their spouse is a git... it gets old. I know there are downsides, big, hefty, screaming downsides. We need someone to write about the upsides.
My son felt he was going to be sucked down the drain after a bath. Yep. I wish I could tell you he's a lifeguard today but nah, just a normal 18 year old who showers daily. There's an English song called with lyrics "Your baby has gone down the plug hole..." Uh huh. Circa 1950 I think. I have to go google it now. My husband used to sing it. This just "may" have something to do with the fear of tub drains. I used to drain the tub after the child was in bed once I clued in to his fear. Thanks for showing us your world, dude. Fabulous.
Google it, google it! Demented! Sing it out loud but promise me never to the kids. The first hit with google has bizarre phonetics for the words. Man, I have to go look again. Fin. I wish I was fin.
Thank you for the link to the NY Times article!!!! My daughter HATES the toilet flushing and the automatic air dryers. She's scared to death of them. My friend and I were just saying the other day that it's weird since she's such a loud kid and doesn't mind other loud noises. Glad to know she's "normal".
See, now this is why I never leave the house.
I'd have to second (or third) the post-it-note idea, at least for juney.
Boys are easy. When he gets a little older, all you'll need to do is carry one square of sod on your back. Place sod on floor: instant grass. No man can resist. For best results, include a view and one flower.
As for what to do with it afterwards, your guess is as good as mine.
My daughter who is 3 1/2 is scared to death of those too! Once she is done, she won't let me wipe her - she leaps off the toilet and covers her ears!! Thus, dribbling all over her pants. The fun life we lead as parents. :o)
OK, see I'm a 5'10 adult and I'M terrified of the automatically flushing toilet. It either flushes too quickly thus leaving me startled or I end up waving my hand in front of the sensor like some deranged bird. Give my the flusher handle back!!
Post it notes, roll of masking tape, or some TP or a hat hung over the flusher sensor, they all work. The key is to be able to improvise in a pinch in case you've forgotten your post its. Sometimes the sensor is built into the wall, and those are harder than the ones mounted on the pipe where the flusher handle should be. Sometimes if you spit a little on the TP it will stick to the wall long enough to cover the sensor while you do your business. I read that tip somewhere before, after we had been dealing with the whole auto-flush phobia for a few months, and whew! Totally freeing. No more potty fears (well almost...she still won't use an airplane toilet. If I could figure out why, then maybe I could engineer a solution.) And you know what? I always hated those things too. So now I even use the trick for myself, not just the kids. Hee hee.
So here's another thought - how much electricity are we wasting with all these damn annoying automatic toilets and sinks and soap dispensers and paper towel dispensers? All because nobody wants to touch a flusher handle or flush with their foot? Are people really to lazy to flush?? Hee hee.
Good God, I came out of the bathroom at the family style barbecue joint in Backwater, South Carolina, having just spent 30 minutes negotiating with my three year old niece to get her to potty on a public toilet. You'd have thought I'd just ripped her leg off and flogged her with it, the way she was carrying on. Apparently everyone else thought so too, because all 600 scary old fat ladies in the place gave me the stink eye on the way out. A pox on screaming tinklers.
How funny - I never assume that any of the children of the bloggers I read are any more or less perfect than my own kid. I just always figure that if it seems that way, I'm not hearing the full story
Even if your kids are just like my own monster - I mean, delightful child - you make it sound a hell of a lot funnier. Well-behaved children - no, I don't envy any parent that. I do envy your writing ability.
PS You are aware, of course, that the expression "gentleman of leisure" is used, in some circles, as a euphemism for "pimp"? Not, of course, in any circles we would frequent, but I thought you might like to know. I'm not sure what "elegant" leisure would be....Well yes, I do know. My!
I am glad you are aware of the other meanings of gentleman of leisure, astrogirl.
How serendipitous! I have a daughter named Juniper and we DO live in Boston. She's not ready for potty-training yet, but I loved stumbling upon your blog.
How long have you been hankering to use that pie chart? Auto flush toilets, definitely scary!
I would have never ventured to a museum with my youngest 2 at that age so you are definitely a braver parent than me.
Yes, those evil toilets! One of my 4 year old's phobias!! She would absolutely refuse to go in a stall that had one. She would be jumping around holding herself and I didn't know what to do!! Her preschool teacher suggested I wrap toilet paper around the sensor- now why didn't I think of that! I just came across your site today- enjoy your writing.
Jen @ Creative and Curious Kids
http://
raisingcreativeandcurious...ds.blogspot.com
And you wonder why people keep coming back to your blog? It's stories like these told in a utterly charming way about the mundane that make me come back every day.
Yeah, we're envious. What of it? Maybe you don't know how bad our lives are. You might fight and eat junk but maybe we are fighting all the time and ALL we eat is junk.
OK, not really. But you are a better writer than I am and no pie chart can help with that, bub!
At least she made it. Having 2 girls we have had to cut a few fieldtrips short due to vile toilets and little bladders. Boys are so much easier; find a bush and you are done. geri
We also use earphones for trips to the public restroom. A cheap $3 pair go everywhere will us, and have the added benefit of making TJ look like a guy on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier if he doesn't want to take them off.
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