As a teacher, this post is one of the most refreshing I've read, like, EVER. Sooooo many parents come to fight their battles for their kids (and I teach middle school) or fail to realize that all kids are mean sometimes, even their own little cherub. Good for you for wishing to instill the idea of self-sufficiency and the idea/concept for insecurity in your kids. Great job.
It may be easier to feel sanguine about this when your kid's not a target. Mine has become the target of the little queen bee in her school, and it kills me to come get her and see her burst into tears because this awful little girl won't play with her. Of course, she then turns around and refuses to play with the perfectly nice little girl who wants to play with her, or hits the new girl (whose mom is really nice and cool and I am embarrassed to even say hi to now). It kills me to not fight the battles, but I just try to encourage her to play with the kids who are nice, and remind her when she is mean that it makes the other kids feel bad and they don't deserve it any more than she does. Of course, alll I hear about are the queen bees and how they played with her, or didn't. It's heartbreaking to see your own kid ostracized,and even more heartbreaking to know she causes some of it.
Love the advice at the end. I am going to use that with the teasers and the teasees. I teach grades K-8, and I think the mythical quality of mean kids becomes much more real in late elementary years, and is full-blown nasty bitchiness by the time they slouch into the 6th grade. Unfortunately, the cruelty seems much worse with the girls... it's unbelievable the cesspool of drama that is my classroom of sixth grade girls...
Excellent.
I think the best we can do is try to help them fight that insecurity, so they don't feel the need to pass it along, and will absorb others' without any problem.
That's what my parents did for me, and it worked wonders. At least, I think it did. 
This cracks me up:
"Kids were cruel to each other in Zhou Dynasty China. Indigenous Bolivian preschoolers used to ostracize each other in the 12th century. And a few hundred years from now some five-year old isn't going to invite some other five-year old to her birthday party because she's not the right type of clone."
Eventually my daughter will have to face the evil girl syndrome.
Right now, she plays with boys. Her best friends are always boys. This has been true even when she was a toddler. I think it is because she is very physically active and somewhat aggressive. Exactly in the manner of many boys. She likes boys toys, boys games, etc.(and princesses). I remember once we were in the hospital while her dad was getting a test and she met some kid in the fast food court and basically within seconds they were in some kind of crazy bear hug rolling down the handicapped ramp.
Right now least one of her best friends is the troublemaking boy--and he hits her! He hits the other boys also. Her other two main friends at school are boys and I think they are somewhat less violent. But her favorite kid is the one who beats the crap out of all the other kids.
Then, there is the other boy we met in the park who is sort of suddenly rejecting. She's a sensitive girl even if she is pretty tough physically, and this makes her cry sometimes. There are a lot of tears and hugging at this age, as they make up.
I'm not even sure how to fight her battles for her. How would I? So far, she knows how to handle herself. I know the teachers are on that violent boy like white on rice so it's not like he's going to hurt her badly.
But my freak out projecting is not the the high-school mean girls thing it is the abusive relationship! She fights back, definitely. But she stays friends with these kids. I wish there was a book called 'How To Prevent Heterosexuality in Your Children.' Not that lesbians are never abusive but...you know.
Anyway, because I do have the habit to overly project--does the fact she eats candy quickly mean she won't save enough for retirement?--I just have to kind of take a step back and be worried about giving her the inner resources she needs, rather than micromanaging her current life.
I gave her a few stock phrases to use--
For kids that try to pick on her for being different she can say 'To Each His Own.'
And then basically to get away from a kid who is violent, abusive, etc. Just to say 'this is not acceptable to me' and then leave.
I don't intervene though. Just let her know her rights.
I was left to figure things out on my own and turned out just fine. Except for the fact that after 13 years with the same people I could go the rest of my life without seeing any of them ever again because they were all nasty, shallow, and self-absorbed. I know I was too at various points but we seem to remember what others have done more than what we have done. My brother, 7 years younger, had all his battles fought for him and now at 20 years old doesn't know how to fend for himself. My mother treats him like he's totally inept and instead of trying to prove her wrong he sits back and lets her take care of everything. It frustrates me to no end and everytime I make the mistake of commenting on it I get my head bitten off. I admire what you're doing with your kids, I plan on doing the same with my own someday, just make sure you handle them both the same otherwise you'll end up unintentionally driving a wedge between them.
Children are unbelievably cruel and have been for quite some time. And these wounds that are made in formative years take forever to heal. Teenagers are undoubtedly more mean than pre & grade school.
My experiences in the adult world are unfortunately not much better. These mean girls grow older, but do not seem to grow up. As adults, our social worlds change from when we were children. We are no longer told that we must learn to get along. We are no longer told to treat others the way we would like to be treated. And I think a lot of people start to forget those very important rules.
A lot of the ladies I work with partake in very vicious gossip. I do not participate and will do what I can to put a stop to that sort of discussion when it's taking place within my earshot. I have even had other women say, "I wish I could be more like you" and that pisses me off. Because don't just wish it, do it! Stop gossiping - particularly about mean stuff.
I don't want to say I am innocent of all meanness. As I've grown older, I've realized that I do not need to tolerate mean people. I will do what is required, but no more. And that can certainly come across as being mean. I do not fret over it or let it take a hit at my self esteem like I would have as a child.
To the point: We spend all this time teaching kids the appropriate way to behave when we, ourselves, do not follow the rules. Then we blame the kids for the degradation of society.
As always, nice post. It gets people thinking. And I like that you handle things the way you do. I wonder how I will be when my children are at that stage of their lives. I imagine it is so difficult to not step in and fight their battles for them.
Oh boy. I'm 24 weeks pregnant--with a girl this time. I was a target of the mean girls throughout my elementary school and junior high years, and I dread that for her. But the more immediate problem is that our son, who's a few months younger than Juniper, won't stand up on his own behalf to the bullies that he encounters. He'll stick up for another kid, but if a bully pushes him or teases him, he'll withdraw and go find one of his "safe" grownups to cling to. I worry about the mean girl thing, but I worry about my kids being the mean kids too.
Blah blah blah worry blah. You're right; I'm sure it's always been this way.
I'm always on the lookout for the mean girls too, but so far it's been just regular kid behaviour from my 3.5 year old and her friends and acquaintances. Kids ARE mean, always have been, I think a lot of people forget that. I wasn't particularly picked-upon as a child, but I remember crying my eyes out over things friends had done, or said and in turn I was occasionally mean to a few others. The people I most dread though, as a parent, are other parents who won't let their kids fight their own battles. How do you deal with them? Great post and I hope I can give my daughter the tools to both stand up to bullies and resist being one herself.
It's been pretty well established that children left to fend for themselves fall into one of two roles: the dominant bully or the passive victim. There is very little give and take in early childhood play dynamic.
Surely there is a balance between leaving a child to fend for himself (how? how does s/he know how to fend for her/himself unless it has been modeled appropriatley?), and coddling them until they are college graduates going on their first job interviews with Mom in tow?
whoa whoa whoa I don't think I'm totally throwing her to the wolves and forcing her to fend for herself completely, I mean I give her a hug if she's crying. . .I'm not that coldhearted. I just don't rush home to write blog posts about the queen bees at the playground already acting like antagonists in a lindsey lohan movie.
I've been reading A LOT both in the mainstream media and in blogs about this "trend" of mean girl preschoolers. I just think it's bullshit. once in awhile kids do something mean or stupid but it doesn't make them evil. a few weeks ago I remember seeing somebody refer to some little girls at the playground as "little bitches." seriously? bitches?
it seems to me that parents (particularly journalist parents) are sending their little ones out into the world and they suddenly take notice of the way kids have always been and they want to claim it's a trend and that kids are meaner than they've ever been before. . .
it sets up this messed up situation where a parent thinks their kid is this perfectly innocent delicate little flower incapable of doing any wrong and that some other parent's perfectly innocent delicate little flower is a MONSTER, or in some cases a "bitch." when really, kids are kids. some are nicer than others, some are meaner than others. we really can only just do our best parenting our own. . .
Kids can mean -- and teachers can be mean to kids, too. And yet, I have rarely interfered with a problem teacher (with a few notable exceptions!).
I, too, leave my kids to fend for themselves almost entirely -- at least outside the house. Home is where I support them, and discipline them.
The world is where they put it all to use. I always liked the saying, "Your goal isn't to raise a child -- it's to raise an adult."
Wait a second, how do you know what goes on at Skull & Bones indoctrination meetings. . .*cough* sending black helicopter as I write this *cough*
I would have to say France is worse for haircuts. I asked for Mia Farrow and got Sheena Easton.
"That feeling you get when someone teases you is called insecurity, and it is directly caused by the insecurity of the one trying to hurt you. Like water, insecurity seeks itself to find the quickest path downhill. You can try to dam it up or divert it but it is part of life. Just try not to drown in it, or drown any others."
Off to invent a time machine so I can take this priceless gem back with me to grade seven.
Oh wait.
That would mean I'd be back in grade seven.
Never mind.
I definitely support that lesson. The hurt's gotta stop somewhere.
This is all good advice that most people in their 20s and 30s could still use to hear every so often.
I know these mean girls. My sister has 2 of this kind in her class and periodically she surprises me with things that happens at school. A tragic situation was last year when a shy boy asked the transfer to another school because he was traumatized by these girls. The girls couldn't accept the fact that the boy was learning as good as they are (they were the first in the class). Now that the boy has transferred to another school the battle is between that girl and my sister. The difference is that my sis is very stubborn and does not accept any offends. I trust her she can do it. 
being a target of mean kids (and jim, i would disagree- there *were* some bitches in my school) is a big reason why i don't do facebook. who the eff wants to go through all that again? it is insecurity, and esteem, and all of that, but that is such a hard lesson when you are small. and big, i guess. one of the most important things i want to nurture in my kids is humble confidence, to be generous and thoughtful and stand up for justice.
i don't think you leave your girl out to dry, though, the way my parents did with me when i was little. i know pp's don't like it when parents get involved, but my parents *never* got involved, and they should have, instead of just giving me the old 'sticks and stones' routine. that is bullshit. it really killed a part of my soul thinking that they, too, were not on my side, and filled me with all sorts of self-doubt. that is serious loneliness when you are small.
there is a mean one in pnuts school- she targets any kid like a shark sniffing out blood in the water, and is always getting into trouble. to be honest, i feel sorry for her, she seems like such an unhappy little kid. until she says some stupid shit to the pnut and then of course i want to tear her face off. but you know, i want the pnut to see me be angry that someone is treating her that way, because it's wrong. i do my best to use it as a teachable moment, like you do, 'that's why we don't do that to other kids' and 'that kid's an idiot, who cares what she thinks' but i don't know how much gets through. i will say that i got more angry with the pnut when she told me she did an asshole thing to another kid! i was like, wtf? don't be that kid, always feeling out where you are in the food chain. be generous, be kind.
last thing- when i first started working with teenagers i had a big problem with the fact that i just didn't like some of the kids- there were some real jerks! but my boss who also happens to be one of the most compassionate and generous people said to me: "look, some people are assholes. there's nothing you can do about it." i have seriously considered cross-stitching this or making a t-shirt. it has helped me so much with trying to 'help' some kids that have come through my door.
thanks for giving this sleep-deprived brain something to think about today.
4-year-old bitches? really?
bitches?
Well said.
I wish someone had said that thing about insecurity to me -- I got "They tease you because they like you," which is not only a lazy answer but also totally confusing.
Also: I taught kindergarten in Japan for a spell and saw some crazy mean-girl antics. Boys? Will hit and yell. But girls will freeze you out for an entire week. Aie.
yeah, I guess 4 and 5-year olds are capable of "mean girl" or "bitchy" behavior but this whole sanctimonious uproar about it I just don't get. I would be terrified of going off on some finger-waving tangent about preschool mean girls only to find out later that my kid behaved in a way that made some other parent think she was a mean girl. . .
My son's kindergarten class was told that if they wanted to do Valentine's cards last month they should bring in one for every kid in the class, or not bring any. This, presumably, is to spare the kids from realizing the fact that not everyone in the world is going to be nice to them or like them.
I guess I'm not too bothered by it in kindergarten, but they better not try pulling that stuff when he's like 8 or 9.
Wow, pre-school sounds like law school. At least mine got rid of the ringing bells the year I started. The pre-school, I mean.
I love this post. I think the point you are making is that there is a difference between mean behavior and a mean kid. In the preschool years, it really is mean behavior. Maybe it starts getting ingrained now and carries on to later life, I don't know. But I completely agree with everything you've said. My girl is agressive and smart, but dumb when it comes to how to handle people. She's in trouble all the time. Again, all we can do is advise her, she's her own person, it's up to her to act on the behavior or the advice. It's getting better. And I don't believe that any of this behavior is different from human nature throughout the centuries, I think the difference is the expectations. We expect kids to all act the same now. The scariest thing are the parents who get involved. We've had several parents go to the prinicpal about things that our daughter did. I absolutely believe if a kid breaks the rules there should be a consequence. But seriously, going to the principal and accusing an 8 year old girl of a "hate crime" goes way beyond reasonable. Very distressing. Anyway, we would do all of our kids a service to teach them a little more self sufficiency.
Parents calling 4 year old girls "bitches"? You wanna talk about insecurity... Sometimes parents need to be reminded to sew up their own seeping wounds and deal with what is happening to their *children* - not perpetually reliving their own playground trauma.
I've got a daughter headed into 6th grade. Fortunately for her, her circle of friends are low on drama and in-fighting.
I hope it lasts. If it doesn't, I'll be waiting at home for her, ready to talk, to comfort and commiserate. Direct intervention will be my nuclear option.
Great post, Jim.
Please, folks, it ain't just the girls. My cherub is currently being laughed at in gym class by a pack of boy who, through red-shirting, happen to be a good 18 months older than her but are still in her grade.
I don't intervene, but I sure wouldn't mind if one of them had an accident on his way over the horse.
yeah, i've been thinking about this- i can honestly say that it wasn't until 2nd grade or so that i felt this mean kid thing- before that either i was oblivious or just with different kids. and i probably am way more aware of this since it happened to me that i worry about it happening to my kids.
i probably wouldn't say that this kid in pnut's class is a 'bitch', but she is seriously unhappy and i imagine lashes out at others to deflect her own sadness. and that happens at 5, 15, 50, whatever. would the term 'bully' be better? or is bully a term we use more for boys b/c we associate it with being physical? girls are usually less physical, more emotional/verbal and perhaps that's where the term bitchy came up, for lack of a better one.
i wonder if how parents would feel about direct intervention if they felt that their child was a victim of a bully.
i haven't seen/read the brou-haha over bitches in preschool (wow), so i can't comment on that. i wouldn't know if it's a rising trend or not- i bet a preschool teacher would be better at observing a trend. i can imagine in our hyper-competitive world that our kids can't help but bring some of what they see their parents doing to their own social circle. but i do think that it's not too hard to meet a little kid and, barring some unforeseen event, have a pretty good idea what their personality will be like in adulthood. nature and nurture, then?
it is so important to me that my kids (both biological and the ones i work with) not be bullies. but the lesson "i'm not better than anyone else" is one that can take a lifetime to learn.
I can't imagine this is some new trend. I did hope I'd have 8-10 more years before dealing with it, but moms of older kids tell me not so much.
And seriously? If someone was targeting your daughter and excluding her and breaking her sweet little heart? "Bitch" is the MILDEST thing you'd think. I don't say it, I am friendly to the parents, I have asked the teacher to get involved exactly one time when some older boys were name calling Maggie and not stopping when she told them to (and they'd had some in-class discussion about name calling already so I felt it was OK to bring it to her attention, and left it totally up to her as to how or if to deal with it), but I have said not so charitable things when I am alone with my husband after the kids are in bed. And I hardly think getting upset about your kid being victimized equates to thinking they are blameless angels. I certainly don't and know at least part of Maggie's social problems are because she loses control of her temper and hits or yells or pushes -- something we don't do, accept or allow at home and something she's immediately punished for.
It just upsets me to see her hurt, just as much as it upsets me to know she's hurt other kids and I have actually apologized to other moms I have a relationship with if I find out Maggie's hit their kid or been unpleasant (she's not mean, although she's got a major temper). I just want them to know I know about it and it's not OK.
Having a relationship with other parents is good, too, because I can know they are not jerks even if their kid acts like one sometimes, and I would hope they'd know the same about me. If they ARE jerks, well, I know where their kid gets it.
Parenting? Hard. Really really hard. And in ways I never would have figured.
I don't believe that, "Any kid who emerges from a childhood any different will find the real world quite a shock."
In fact, I think it's quite the opposite.
Children that are shielded from nasty behavior as youngsters, often have very appropriate and mature responses to mean or cruel behavior when they are older and face life on a more independent level. They don't tend to feel the need to return one mean action for another. No child can be completely protected, and helicopter parents do lots of harm, but protecting a child's innocence is vital in their development of their own person and thought.
I see independent thought lacking in just about every child that comes through my classroom, and these are kids who have been subjected to the modern public school train of thought and social structuring since they were babies.
wow. as a teacher, how have you seen parents do a good job "shielding" their kids "from nasty behavior" without interfering in their ability to develop autonomy or develop ways to cope with other peoples' insecurities? how is it possible without being a helicopter parent?
I truly hope to be able to talk to my kids about why other kids are mean without calling those kids "bitches" or hoping they get injured on their way to school (see a few comments back). . .the second you start interfering and making public accusations or backing the other parent up against a wall, isn't that too far?
I will come back to this post again and again. What a wonderful piece of advice.
jim, there is a big difference between interfering that goes too far and not interfering at all, but i ask you, in the context of 'bullying', isn't it appropriate for parents and teachers to get involved? i mean, we are the adults here, hopefully setting an example that certain actions do have consequences- if a kid is acting in a way that is inappropriate, someone in charge has to step in. or do we just let the kids make their own decisions lord of the flies style?
i don't mean calling a kid a name or tongue in cheek wishing they get hurt to knock them down a peg, i mean get involved to assure that the kid gets the guidance and direction that whatever that bullying activity that they are engaged in is inappropriate, disrespectful, and unacceptable. i mean, jesus, i'm the adult, hopefully my moral, cognitive, emotional and social developmental level is at least a bit higher than my three year olds.
because, honestly? the worst case scenario when parents and teachers don't get involved is that the bullies get more powerful, and the kids that are the targets either end up hurting themselves or others. for what? because someone didn't want to stunt their kids autonomy? i'm sorry, but i have to push back on that, jim.
I enjoyed this post. While I'm not yet a parent, I've had some experience as a nanny, and I'm amazed at the way some parents try to protect their children from everything. Yes, kids need protection, but if they never encounter difficulties, they'll never grow (or in a similar vein, they won't develop vital immunities or have nearly as much fun if they aren't allowed to get dirty). Thankyou for articulating the issue so well and putting it out there.
Also, one of my favorite haircuts was in China. However, when I tried to get it dyed, I ended up with a really bad perm instead and had to cut all my hair off. Live and Learn
It's a trend? Wow, long trend. Wonder when they'll just give up and call it humanity.
I hope I can teach them to have soft hearts and thick skins. I suppose it will require one of those miracles where the student learns to do it better than the teacher ever did.
You're a lot more relaxed than I am. My daughter's only 6 mos. old and I'm already worried about how I'll handle it when some kid treats her like dirt and makes her doubt herself. Good advice!
Thank You..
10+ years working education with kids from first grade through high school has shown me that most kids know when they've been wronged or hurt but are much less able to recognize their own behavior as hurtful.
No kid is an angel.
I think the best we can do is provide a home that is an oasis; one that teaches resiliency (yes, things can suck- what are you going to do about it? then troubleshoot) and feeds them the love they need to value themselves.
The way our school system is set up, parents have very little say in the whole process. Of course there are the token jobs given to parents to let them be "involved", but really, they have very little influence. In all of the different schools that I have worked at, parents are belittled behind the scenes.
Anyway, tangent aside, I don't see six year olds (or for that matter 7, 8, 9, year olds and so on) learning great social skills from their peers. Why people think that putting a child in a room full of kids their same age and ability is going to result in positive social learning is beyond me. These kids are all in the same boat, for the most part, in their negative abilities. In addition, where else in life, is this constructed social situation (hanging with all similar peers) reality, other than school? Once we get out into the real world, we are required to interact with every level, age, and ability. I see our school systems as actually creating very narrowed abilities in our kids, on many fronts.
So, whereas parents really can't parent when their child is under someone else's supervision, as it undermines both side's authority, they can limit the time that their child spends in a situation dealing with negative influences (at least during the ages that a child would be most influenced to imitate).
The kids who I see as being the most capable in the school system and in my classroom, are the ones whose involvement with it is limited. The kids who are not signed up for after-school activities, constant "play dates", and instead are hanging out with their family, interacting with siblings, parents, elderly neighbors, ect., are the ones who seem the most socially aware.
It is the parents who teach their child kindness, love, and maturity. Not a socialized education system.
I think this is great, sane advice. I don't know exactly how I'd react to one of my kids being hounded by some kid day after day, but for now (4 and 2) I don't have to worry about it.
Today's enemy is tomorrow's friend, and with luck, experience will teach them how to recognize each more easily and without much trauma, and deal with them accordingly.
My favorite book about all of those cruel girl games is "Cat's Eye" by Margaret Atwood. She really captures it.
I deal with the cattiness and cliques everyday, but I work in a nursing home. Have you ever heard the cliche that when you start deteriorating you revert to child hood, being fed, put to bed (and yes, having your undergarments changed). Well childish behavior often accompanies being treated (or having capabilities) like a child. I truly believe that people's true personalities shine through in these circumstances. Granted, some are the sweetest folks you'll ever meet, but others are the meanest you never hope to meet. Only difference is you can discipline a child, and exert influence to guide their behavior. Ugh
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