Good God! That's what those GARGOYLES are doing outside on my barn... bothering my horses. They look rather rediculous here in Nevada. Sending them back now.
It's nice to be loved. I have always been the same way, and I remember those times. She will ALWAYS love her dad... nothing like the love we have when we are fortunate enough to have a father that makes life special. and because of it, she will choose a good man someday... I KNOW! but it happens.
Last year, Max cried probably nine out of ten times when we left him at daycare. It was murder for both my husband and I to watch his face crumple as we walked toward the door. He even cried when we got there some days, as if he'd forgotten how much he missed us. This year, he only cries when we make him come home with us.
The good thing about all the tears: in all that "lifetime of parting," you'll always make it easy for her to come back.
i should know better than to read your blog in the middle of federal income taxation. i'm quite certain the professor saw me bite my lip and give a little sigh - and that at any moment the hammer of socratic hell will be unleashed mercilessly on me.
oh well. it was worth it.
I wish you'd written this a year ago when we were going through this. Where do you have her in school?
I've been that mom BAWLING as I drive away.
Even this year, she is going every morning and while she loves it (same place she was last year so she knows and loves everyone and thinks being with the big kids is great) I have had a hard time and was quite weepy and blue yesterday that she would be gone every day.
If it makes you feel any better, there's always at least one crying kid at Maggie's school and last week when the year started it was cacophony. All kinds of things set them off at this age, I think.
Both my brother and I have had conversations with our mother that go something like this:
"Mom? About that making fun of you for crying the entire month before I left for college? Sorry about that. I get it now."
Not that you asked for assvice, but this worked for us: One day on the way to school (as she was wailing in the backseat), Paul and I talked to her about how we love her a lot and miss her while she's at school, but there are things they know there that we can't teach her and we want to help her learn. They know better songs and have cooler toys and other kids, so she can go there and learn and play. That it was okay to be sad and we didn't like saying goodbye either but we know she'll have fun and learn a lot. Maybe it was just time for her to get adjusted, but it helped, that was the last major sobbing.
If that doesn't help, there's always some sort of drinking establishment open in the downtown area that will serve you a martini at 10 am.
and in downtown detroit, you know I won't be drinking alone.
Wow, Dutch. Your blog hit me like a punch in the gut. That was pretty much the scene I left at the airport last week when Elise and Ava left for France. Painful. After reading your note, I had to close the door to my office for a moment.
I've been there. It hurts for us to see them hurt and know that they've got to do this. It hurts more for us when they trot off happily. Today my toddler screamed bloody murder because we took her away from school. She arrived, dropped my hand, and ignored my presence the rest of the time without a murmur, but when it came time for us to leave she fought and screamed.
I don't know if that feels better than having her fight and scream to arrive.
If I HAD a door to my office (um, cubicle), I would have had to close it too. I've been regularly saying goodbye to my parents at the airport departure gate and then crossing continents by myself since I was 11 and it never, ever, ever gets any easier to part. On the plus side, I suppose my parents would be happy to hear that.
I've been there too and while it hurts, take consoltation that it does get better. Plus, I learned that my sweet little boy was acting and manipulating me a bit when I watched him through the two way glass. He stopped crying as soon as I was gone and was all smiles.
And that right there in a nutshell is why my son never had a babysitter once in 5 years. When he was 2 yrs old his Grandma attempted to stay with him for 3 hours and he screamed the entire time.
At age 3 I left him at a drop-in daycare so I could go to an important doctor's visit. He laid on his back on the floor for 90 minutes and wouldn't talk to another soul there. No toys or snacks could cajole him out of his corner.
On the upside, I had a lot of fun with him during those years that no one else was able to entertain him quite like his Mommy.
Now he's nine and in the gifted program at school, a blue belt in Taekwondo and
5 foot 1 inches tall.
They grow up too damn fast.
I join you in the mottled skin, choked words society. The hardest moments for me are the ones I bring on my kids, in spite of the "rightness" or "good-for-them" reasons.
Fast forwarding a bit in your year, I remember feeling that way as we dropped off our oldest daughter at a friend's on the way to give birth to her soon-to-be sister. As we drove away, I thought "She has no idea how much we are about to rock her world" and cried, not because of the painful labor (but yeah, that too) but because of the change we were bringing to her whole existence.
YES, she IS perfect, just the way she is. Well done!
She is perfect. You should be proud and it's normal and healthy for both of you to cry in my opinion. Have you read "Hold on to Your Kids" yet?
Oh that agonizing fight between what's good for them in the long run and what's good for them at the moment...
I never realized how much that would encompass the entirity of parenthood. And how much it sucks.
This was an emotional post, since I anticipate having a mottled-face weeping child eventually...but I must say my favorite part was this:
"Aretha Franklin hears the High C and snaps a Z." Heh!
I don't understand why teachers want parents to leave so fast. I'm generally a hard hearted mommy. But when my son transitioned into daycare and then into the toddler room and the twos room I would come in, put away his stuff, then sit quietly until he was absorbed in an activity. Then I left. I gave myself enough time to be in his classroom 10-20 minutes in the morning. After awhile we were able to happily part almost immediately with Henry pushing me out the door.
I've SO been there, Dutch. And reading this wrenched my heart as if I were doing it all over again. But yes, it does get better, and yes, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Doesn't make it any easier, I know. Have you and Junie read the book The Kissing Hand? It's a good one for separation anxiety - or hysteria - or whatever. I pray that every day gets easier for her AND for you. You're not alone, friend. We cry with you.
So frustrating, every day will get easier. Eventually with Maddie in preschool I started to realize she needed to cry as part of her 'departure' routine. It was just the way she handled leaving me.
Of course at first it was the emotionally traumatized screeching that tears your heart out.
Dear god I'm dying just a little inside just reading this.
I'm so not looking forward to our turn at this. Fortunately I'm putting it off a few years by not returning to work. Phew.
The fact that she loves you so damn much means you have done everything right. There is nothing to do but what you are; of course, you could pull her out of the preschool and keep her home a few more years, until formal school is inevitable. But if that's not your style or true desire for her, you keep on, She WILL thrive, and it will only enrich your lives together, in the end. Last year, September, my boy, then 2 years 9 months, cried every school day for one month. I was about to pull him out (I said I'd give it three weeks) when one Thursday, I went to pick him up and he was a different kid - adjusted, happy, social, and a helper. This year, he's 3.5 - same school, new teachers. Walked in owning the place this morning. Walked his two-year old little brother to his class (Liam's old class) and helped him settle into HIS first day of preschool. It's a big circle, many days. Feels cyclical. Much easier the 2nd time around. Heart-string always pull, but experience does make this sort of thing easier.
Oh, poor Dutch and poor Juniper. All those blah blah she'll be fine when you pick her up, it gets better.... who CARES when your kid is screaming for you and you can't go to her? That is the shittiest feeling. I hope it does get easier, but I hope that you guys also get the beautiful reunitings, too - the ones where she runs at you and leaps into your arms and you hug each other wildly. Every time my son does that, I feel so good about pretty much everything, because I'm so loved and needed in that moment.
I've been here too. He used to cry so violently that he'd make himself throw up. Horrible. Just as I was about to shut the door I'd hear the splat. Try walking away from that.
My balm was in sneaking up on him at the end of the day, watching him from behind a bush or through a door window. And I'd see him on his own, playing, exploring, talking to other kids, interacting with teachers, thriving. And then he'd light up like a firework night when he'd see me, just as proud of himself as I was of him.
And the hurl-inducing fits? They don't last, they really don't. This will open up whole new corners of Juney, exposure to new sorts of people and group-structure. Once you start seeing this blossom in her, you'll be so proud, and glad you gave her that time on her own.
As she gets used to her playschool routine, focus on the pickups. Butterflies in the stomach when you pull up, knowing you're about to be the recipient of a knock-over hug, and all kinds of stories of the day. The pickups make the dropoffs worthwhile.
I have to admit I was a little bummed out when my daughter didn't even notice I'd left on her first day of preschool last week.
She does, however, fall apart when I show up at the end, running to me with blind devotion.
I agree: if you are lucky, her parting from you will always be hard. I know it is hard for me to leave my mom, and harder still to say goodbye to my father, dead now these three years.
My girl (16 months) has been in daycare for two weeks now, three days a week...she cries when her dad drops her off, and sometimes when I pick her up. Dad reports that last week one of the other little girls came and sat next to her with a book to make her feel better. It's nice to hear and see the kids connecting, looking out for each other. I know she comes around and has a lot of fun...but I also know that at daycare they still think she can't walk. Because she WON'T walk while she's there! I am anxiously awaiting the end of her period of adjustment. How surprised everyone will be to find she can walk fine, and even carry "heavy" things while she walks! I'll be thinking about you guys tomorrow.
Oh, this made me tear up... "Dada keep me nice and safe!" God! You clearly have balls of steel and a heart of gold.
My son started preschool on Monday and I was so nervous for him. All weekend I tossed and turned at night as I took the burden of first-day-of-school anxiety that he was unaware of. Monday I could hardly eat lunch because I thought I would throw up from the nerves. Fortunately my son had a good first day and liked school. We'll see if it keeps going so smoothly. And I was so antsy for it to be time to pick him up.
In my book it's not supposed to be easy.
Leaving is painful, but at the end of the day, having them run up to you and hug you tight and tell you all about their day of friends and activities while their face just glows ... that makes it so worth it. Hang in there Dutch, it's not easy, but it has its rewards too.
So what's next -- more house projects, or work on your novel? Or more elegant leisure, just you and Wendell?
She cries because she has made a good attachment to you- you've done a great job with her. I directed a child care center for 17 years and never got used to the crying that kids did over being left each day and these were not even my kids.
And kids cry when we pick them up because they've held themselves together all day but when they see the person they love most in the world, they just get overwhelmed and can't be strong anymore.
After 25 years of working with young children, I just say: Keep 'em with you!
Why do you think this is good for her now? I realize I only know what you share here, but you've shared plenty about Juniper's stranger anxiety.
It sounds like:
1. She's not ready for this separation.
2. Neither are you.
She's only 2. She will have 13 years of mandatory schooling down the road, with possibly 4+ years of university. So why start now with something traumatizing to both of you.
We transitioned our daughter (3 y/o) to "institutionalized" daycare at the beginning of summer, so I sort of know where you're coming from. Again, blah blah it gets better BUT FIRST it gets worse. You can expect that she'll start crying even before you leave the house (mine started a full hour and a half before we had to go). You can expect that next Monday will be like starting over again. You can expect her to get sick from all the new germs, have to take a few days off, then when she goes back, it will be like the first day again!
It's almost 3 months later now and I'd say our little girl is almost in the groove. The way I knew that she was okay was when we started playing "preschool" at home with her dolls and toys. Also, just this week she started talking about her day at school and her friends and even remembering what she had for lunch.
Good luck man - you'll need it!
Sheri Bheri
You always nail me in the gut with this stuff. Even this one, which was so unlike my son. There was no crying. Ever. He was like, "Hey, yeah. Catch ya later." He usually seems pretty happy to see me when I pick him up, but sometimes he'll be in the middle of something and say, "Go away Mommy. Go away!"
We're going through a bad time with this. A very bad time. crying at drop off and pick up; detachment at school; panic attacks about it all at home. There are times when it's hard to believe all the pat sentiments about them getting used to it or about it being harder on the parents. I hope Juney adjusts quickly--without losing any of her fierceness.
My sister who works in the Renn. Cen, I mean GM towers was stunned yesterday when her window shattered. I'll point her in this direction so she'll know why it happened.
Hope you had an equally dramatic, but much happier pick up yesterday.
I still remember all the times my parents let me down. Yes, she is scarred for life. That is why you both cry: it's the first realization of parental fallability. "Why weren't you there for me when...?"
It's especially hard when you're proud of your family. Healthy pride will carry you through. My father and I are very close because he stood tall when he let me down and apologized. My mother is too proud to apologize, and we remain distant.
Juniper doesn't know the difference between "I screwed up" and "I'm teaching you to be self-reliant." You are wise to face all the times you can't be there for her. Then when you really do screw up, she'll still trust you.
You have perfectly written how it felt to me about a year and a half ago when we put our son in daycare. It was a safe place with warm teachers and finally some other kids for him to interact with. But, just like Juniper, he would cry (to put it mildly) when I left. They claimed that with-in just a few minutes of me leaving he would be fine, but that doesn't erase the imprint left in my mind/heart as I drove away. I'll be thinking of you guys... you strangers in Detroit that seem familiar to me, like cousins you see once a year at Thanksgiving.
OMG ... I just cried at work. For some reason that was so painful for me to read b/c I know that that's how things will transpire when our 20 month old will eventually be handed off to strangers for the first time.
My daughter went for her first full day of junior kindergarten today. When she was getting up, she put on her housecoat, and tied it up by herself. She said "look Mom, I tied it by myself, that's one thing they won't have to teach me!" She has been in a home-run daycare since she was one, so there were no tears today, just lots of hugs and kisses.
I had tears dripping off my nose after I read your post though. Please let us know how your pick-up went!
As a former preschool teacher, I have comforted crying children and crying parents many times. Your post brought me right back to that feeling.
Can I say anthing that will make it better? Probably not.
But I can tell you that when a teacher hears Juney tell him/her a story about Greek mythology, he/she will think "What a lucky girl to have a Dad like that."
Quinn's been in day care since she was a baby and we still have days that she cries. Some days are just better than others. I completely understand your pain. I think part of me is glad that she loves me enough to not want me to go, but the majority of me feels miserable because I have to go.
I feel you pain! My son started pre-school last week. At least you could put Juniper down. They had to pry him from my body for four days in a row. Talk about feeling like the worst parent on the planet! The best part is going to pick him up...he runs towards me, smelling like a a mixture of paint, outside and whatever they had for lunch, and gives me a big hug. I know he is OK and he actually ran in to school this morning. Hang in there!!
Oh god. This is my first day back at work after 3.5 months of maternity leave. Reading this is so poignant and so true. You are a wonderful wonderful father. My husband is also a SAHD -- I will have to show this to him.
Wow, did you ever strike a chord with me today.
Last year my son was in preschool two mornings a week and cried and cried when I dropped him off. He always stopped about two seconds after the door hit my butt on the way out, but it killed me every time. That overwhelming urge to rush back in, gather him up and take him away where it could just be the two of us together, was so strong.
Tomorrow he starts his first full day of Junior Kindergarten. I am worried to near panic about how he will deal with getting his own snack, his own lunch, going down the hall to the bathroom alone. He is 3! He is my baby! It's a whole day! I know he will have fun. I know he will learn. I know he will be okay.
I'm just not sure that I will be.
Ugh....could not do that. Could not!
My girl was no where near ready to be left with strangers of any sort before she was 3, it would have been a scene just like you discribed. Soon after though, she was set. Now she attends classes and says to me "you're leaving, right?". She's happy for me to leave and happy for my return with no sort of trauma at all. Waiting til they are ready for that kind of thing makes all the difference. Now at 3 1/2 she's confident to tackle the world and I never had to turn my back on her while she screamed for me.
Oh, I just want to cry after reading this. I, too, worry about my strong-willed daughter going off to preschool.
Beautifully written. Went straight to my gut. Thank you for sharing this.
After four kids, I'll tell you there will be a day when she won't even notice that you're gone. She'll just walk in without looking back.
You are such an amazing writer. I read this whole entry out loud to my husband. We have a 5 month old, and neither of us can imagine the arrival of this day. Her first day of preschool...
I agree with Soluna. Is it necessary to put her in preschool so early? I understand you have thought it all through, but it can't hurt to rethink it.
Oh my heart.
(I really hope you'll be using the time she's in preschool to work on your novel. You have a fine way with words.)
Over 2 months in daycare and Cai is still crying like a banshee every time I leave him. But he barely notices me when I come to pick him up...too busy playing with all the vroom vrooms and choo choos.
I really don't think it's harder on the parent though. My daycare provider said that to me when we first started going and I wanted to laugh. Sure, it kills me, but at least I can reason my way through it. He just thinks his mommy is gone, gone, gone. Poor thing.
But it's necessary...
Here's to hoping it gets better for both our little ones!
I met my oldest and dearest friend in the world on my first day of kindergarten in 1979. She offered to share her Graham crackers with me. Twenty-eight years later and we're still friends. So you never know who Juniper may meet in preschool who will stay with her forever. The tears won't last but a lifelong friendship might.
I used to teach preschool and had a little girl in the class who was 18 months... she would be quiet but fine throughout the day, a little clingy, but no tears at all... until her mom came to pick her up at the end of the day and she would suddenly unleash ALL the tears she had clearly been holding back all day, in a kind of relieved, "thank god you're here so I can cry" way. Then we also had kids who would cry at the beginning of the day and not want to leave at the end. Kids deal with it differently, and hopefully Juniper will get used to it soon. She used to do well in daycare, yes? (the daycare of the sweet little reports by the caretaker?) Maybe she just needs some time to adjust.
and re: one of the comments above, she's three now, I don't think it would be doing her any favors to keep her home, especially without any siblings (yet).
Crying here. Please let us know how the pick-up goes, and how her day went.
Good job of attaching and letting go. Helping them foster their own independence is so difficut and rewarding at the same time.
As a parent and a teacher, trust me it will get easier for you all.
Oh, that is heart-wrenching. Pre-school started out rough for us too, but now the drop off is a piece of cake and I think it's a great benefit for our 2.5 year old to interact with other wee ones three days a week.
How are you lucky if this never becomes easier for her? As someone who has said too many tear-soaked goodbyes, I wouldn't wish it on my child.
This isn't a rhetorical question, and isn't meant in a hurtful way. I feel for you all and hope it becomes easier with time.
SA- That is not at all what I said. I never said I didn't want it to get easier for her. I said if I'm lucky it will never be too easy for her to say goodbye to her mother and me.
I have had a lot of adult friends who couldn't care less whether they see their parents once a year, let alone shed a tear when they have to say goodbye. I don't ever want it to be that easy.
oh dutch, man that is awful. argh- that just pulled my heart right out. fuck that that it gets easier. i don't think so- should it? argh.
we went back and forth over whether or not to put pnut in a 2 morning a week preschool this fall- so many things she could learn from people who are qualified to teach her in so many ways, so many fun things she could do/create/sing/play with other kids that she really should feel more comfortable around than she currently does, so.many.things! i need to get done that i currently can't when she's awake and with me. in the end i just can't part with her just yet, put us both through that anxiety, bring home all those new diseases, have her be exposed to so many things i still want to shield her from. maybe when she's juniper's age, i don't know. i need that time alone, she has needs that i can't provide, but i don't know. i'm just not ready.
fucking attachment parenting. what the fuck? i fucking attached that kid so close to me i can't bear the idea of being apart from her, either. sigh.
Thanks for your response. Sorry for my misread.
I have always had a really hard time with goodbyes, particularly with my parents and it is really painful to me. I don't want to give up the pain of missing them, but I'd like to be able to handle the parting with some dignity! It's the choking up that is the worst. I can feel it now.
mfk- Juniper is not 3. She won't be 3 until the end of January.
this part sucks, no way around it. The great part is when you go pick her up and see her before she sees you. Then you get to witness your child functioning in the world, without you. Completely mind-blowing - in a great way.
2nd comment on this post...
I wonder which will be worse, the anguish of her screaming when you leave her at preschool, or the pain of her asking you to drop her off a block away from her middle school dance so no one sees that she actually has parents.
i email my parents everyday - - and i'm a well-adjusted married adult with two graduate degrees. still, my parents are everything to me, even when i don't think of them consciously. they haunt me, in a good way. they are beside me as i make every important decision. and i cried sometimes, too, as they left me at the montessori front door. it is a good thing. that feeling of abandonment is a signal of attachment. that balance is key.
Nicely written...Thank you for sharing!
My son only just turned 2 and I took him Monday to his first day of "school" (we're calling it that but it's not really school, it's a NYC crazy ripoff private club of sorts with a playspace and various classes) and he couldn't even deal with it with me in the room. Instead of dancing with all the other 2 and 3 year olds he just cried the whole time and kept trying to pull open the classroom door, telling me we had to go home and play, just mommy and me, even telling me he would take a nappy if we went home (hates naps, so this was total desperation). I can only imagine what he would've been like if I tried to leave.
Leaving each other will get easier for you both I'm sure, but it will happen slowly. You guys have a great thing going out there and she knows it.
Would they ever let you stick around for a few days? I don't know if that helps, I've heard of people doing it.
My son (4) was screaming today like a banshee and clung to Daddy like a python. It was horrible. He was fine when I picked him up. What a memory!
oops... I thought she was 3 already. what can I say, she's so smart I just jumped the gun. sorry Dutch!
The first day Bossy's eldest went off to school - he also pitched a fit the moment of their separation - Bossy went directly to her father's house and collapsed on his wall-to-wall due to intense Tachycardia.
If you had a First Day Experience that didn't include Paramedics, you should be swell.
Oy ... So wrenchingly put.
This is precisely why my husband does the dropoff and I get the giddy toddler at the end of the day. Otherwise, I'm a blubbering mess ...
I remember in 1st grade on day 1 there was a kid who cried like that (a boy); no preschool where I grew up, so probably the first time he'd been away from mom. We all sat quietly in our School chairs at our School desks, very excited and curious about this Day 1 of school, watching this little boy loose it on the door.
From another point of view - what are you going to do with all that free time?
I've come back and read this post every day since you posted it. And it grips me every time, and I choke back the words and go back to work.
But I have to tell you, as a daughter who misses her daddy desperately, how much your words resonated with me.
We daughters sometimes have very special relationships with our fathers. You are on pedestals to us and we will compare every man in our lives to you - and none will measure up. And in turn, you will always be our biggest fans with your loud applause carrying us through life.
The hardest I ever cried was when I loaded up all of my belongings in my car and drove away to college with my father waving at me from the porch.
The second hardest I cried was 6 years later when he died suddenly of a heart attack. The drive away from the house was a bit easier this time, because I felt him coming with me.
Thank you so much for your words.
Mixed emotions, all the time. That's parenting for me. I love dropping my kids off at daycare, because I get time to myself to do the work I love to do. And they generally love to be there. But there's shame in that, that somehow I should always want to be with them. And embarassment when they are the ones screaming and crying, as if it reflects on me somehow.
why is she in preschool at 2? IMHO, if you miss her and she misses you, keep her home. Enjoy your last few months of being just the two of you.
Unlike a previous poster, I personally think you *are* doing her favors by having her home with you despite the fact that there are no siblings around yet. She has YOU! You cannot get these precious, special moments back. There will come a day in the not too distant future when she is independent and desiring to be out there on her own. Why rush it or force it? The novel can wait, can't it? The chores can wait, right? The "me" time can wait. I'd rather do without a few luxuries rather than see the pain my absence inflicts onto my child. There are so many pains we cannot control...this is one we can. IMO, she is not ready for the separation or else why would she protest so greatly?
So what are you going to do with yourself during the day?
This is really more of a response to all the other posters with opinions about whether Juniper should be at home or in school:
Enough with the second guessing. Both Dutch and Wood seem pretty capable of making solid decisions. The amount of thought they've put into schooling their daughter, and why now is appropriate time for her to begin, isn't going to be reflected in this emotionally charged post. As a reader I'm grateful they choose to share what they do, as eloquently as they do it.
thank you, mallory.
When I was a kid, I was a crier like that, too -- not just for preschool and kindergarten, but as I grew older, too -- for ballet, gymnastics -- anything new that I was going to try. And you know what? My parents gave in to my tears. Not always, thank goodness, or I probably would never have gone to school, but since I cried through my entire first ballet class, my mother never made me go back, and because I cried through my entire first gymnastics class, my mother never made me go back. And then she gave up even trying new things with me. And I really, really regret that. Not only was that a way of validating my fears, but also, now I can't dance, or do a cartwheel, or play the piano or guitar... etc. And those were my big chances to get an early start. It must be so hard to leave your distressed child, but I hope this adult regret helps ease that pain!
Linda: did you cry because your mom left you, or were you crying for some other reason? I think this makes a difference. In other words, I think there is a difference between not being mature enough to accept separation from your parent versus not wanting to participate in extracurricular activities. When the time comes, if my tyke has fits upon my departure when I take him to guitar lessons, I hope I won't be forced to abandon him. Rather, I hope I am allowed to remain in the room and observe (if that's what makes my little boy comfortable). How can we expect wee ones to automatically be comfortable with complete strangers anyway? Remember, we're not taking about 8 year olds here but rather we're talking about mere toddlers. IMO, there are many ways to socialize and teach a toddler besides daycare...ways that do not involve separation from the parent if the child is not ready for it.
Ok, never commented before but feel compelled to do so now.
I find the suggestions that you 'consider' taking your daughter out of preschool really f'ing annoying! Do the people who made these comments really believe that you did not think and talk a lot about the decision to start school? That you have not 'considered', probably in a moment of pain like the one that you write about here, taking her out, and that (it seems) you have reaffirmed that being in preschool is a good thing for her (and for your family)?
Not to go on and on, but... do the people who have made such comments really not acknowledge that for some, perhaps many, kids - even, gasp, two-year-olds - being a setting with other kids and adults other than their parents can be a positive experience? Crying and other signs that an adjustment is difficult are NOT indications that the situation is bad, should be avoided, or will not work out well in the long run.
Anyone who has read this blog for a week, let alone a couple of years (as I have), has to know that this is a loved and intensely-thought-about kid. To suggest that her parents 'consider' something obvious just because YOU are doing it (for reasons that are yours, not theirs) is, as I wrote above, F'in annoying. Thank you.
Man, this made me tear up, and now I feel like a red-faced wuss sitting at my computer "working". Amazing entry, Dutch.
I always hated it when other parents give you that look when your kid is crying and you're crying. Like their kid never wailed in public at the top of their lungs? I'm on the other side of that crying wailing drop off hump now, but whenever I see a mother dealing with that sort of morning, I try to look as sympathetic as possible. I cried my eyes out when I dropped off #2 for kindergarten, and she had been going to preschool for 3 years already. I'm just a big sap who loves her daughters and can't stand to see them cry. Shame on those who aren't sympathetic to you!
Well said Mallory and m. Beautifully written post. My son is 27 mos and has been going to "school" for a while now. Luckily, his daycare has a secret room where we can watch our babes without being seen by them. I have stayed in there many times and he usually stopped crying within 3-5 minutes. At the time it was horrific. I noticed that staying a little while helped us but staying a long time made it worse. We have been through ups and downs with drop offs. All the sudden its fine for a long time and then not again.
One thing that did and does help the transition was a song on the way to school. Otherwise he always thought we were going to the aquarium or doggy park. The song seems to help. Yes, sometimes it makes him cry: "Ryan is going to school today, school today, school today. Ryan is going to school today. Yes, he is. Ryan will play with Mathew, with Mathew with Mathew. Ryan will play with mathew all day long. Ryan will play with Robson and Sophie and Anna. Ryan will play Chelsea, Chris and Tara too. (listing all his school friends to help him remember fun school stuff). Sorry can name the tune. Good luck!
p.s. Article on separation anxiety by Today's Parent help me. http://www.todaysparent.com/todd...?
content=984011
How serendipitous that I came across this today... my husband just walked through the door moments ago, expressing guilt for leaving our obstinate, defiant son at preK. I've gotten over my son's initial dislike of our Tues/Thurs routine (he's always fine and happy when I pick him up in the afternoon). This was my husband's first experience with it, though - and it was a bit grueling. Your sentiments are felt by Every Parent and we all laugh and cry with you. I look forward to checking back in to this site and reading more of your writing --
I think you should be happy at all the comments here. Clearly, everyone here rallies around you guys even though it might at first seem like there are different opinions and a little controversy. There were a few suggestions that maybe Juniper was not ready for preschool. Those suggestions (one of them mine) I feel were a natural response to your writing this story. My previous comment was also a response to other comments that implied that it was "necessary" to send one's child to preschool. I am compelled to write this comment, because I feel like m's response was a little excessively defensive. Have the comments really been that condescending? I feel like almost all the comments here have been thoughtful, but it must be nice to know you (dutch and wood) have so many passionate fans ready to fend off any potential (or imagined) critic.
Wonderbaby started part-time daycare in July, and it was exactly the same thing. Blood-curdling, toe-curling, heart-wrenching screams for mommy.
I couldn't write about it. I cried for days. She settled in after a few days, and now she loves it. Asks for 'school.' Still, the memory of it. Wakes me up at night.
(Haven't been here in too many weeks - haven't been anywhere, virtually, in weeks, but still. Missed stuff. Congrats are in order?)
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