the reasons why these sistas have these perspectives are so much larger than we are even willing to go into here. They are cultural, political, religious, psycologcal and emotional.
much of what women say on this subject is a parroting of what we have heard on television or out of the mouths of the women and men in our families. we often don't even know how we feel or are too ashamed to tell the truth.
the urge to partner is strong in women and all of the false exectations that we have purchased with out fancy degrees and new money have made us unable to even know, much less give voice to what we want or know how to go about getting it.
men should know this and have a work-around but alas, they have been fed the same farm animals and so are shitting out the same crap.
Well, after the demise of my long-term, monogamous relationship, I'm all about the prenup now.
You sistas got it rough. I wouldn't be a woman for 88 million dollars.
Big Wayne
we don't have it rough because of the men. we have it rough because of our own thinking. (this goes for both sexes)
think different. be different.
form follows consciousness.
Jasai makes a great point about being "different." In order to be married nowadays, you have to be willing to be "different."
I remember sitting at Big Wayne's wedding and looking at all of the bachelor grooms' men and thinking to myself, "Wow. Big Wayne sure is 'different' than his homies." It takes balls to affirm your love for one person and you have to work hard to be emotionally equipped to handle it because other forces can steer you off the path.
I am a bit conflicted about this article and the responses. Should women be financially independent? Should we get assets etc.? Hmm. I hear the argument against and agree with some of the points. (please read the the previous line again) I understand the issue with feminism but no one is speaking on what the ALTERNATIVE solution is, because we do not know of one. If during college and beyond a woman made herself available and stepped into her career and CONTINUED to make herself available and her marriage partner has not shown up, again what are her ALTERNATIVES? Should she agree to continue to rent a home when she would rather own? Should she stay at the bottom of the totem pole professionally because she does not want to scare off men? Should she live out her life in a perpetual waiting state until she is married? Should she deny herself spiritual, mental and emotional growth until the guy shows up?
Some men right now at the ages of 32-40 + are not ready to marry, to settle down, to grow in the intimacy area, in the maturity area etc. If my future hubby is one of those guys, pray tell, what should I do? (before you come out swinging guys, think and be honest about a host of your single male friends and their behavior with women) As a woman who is out there and expects to marry but understands that RIGHT now she has an obligation to herself because she HAS waited to meet the right guy (patiently by the way)I ask respectfully, What. Are. Women's. Alternatives?
I expect to marry. I do. However, there seems to be a slant on what I am doing in my life that I do NOT understand. It is viewed as feminist when I view it as - well - living and survival. Am I still feminine? Yes. Vulnerable? Yes. Must I take care of my life? Undoubtedly, unashamedly and thanks be to God that I can, Yes!! It is easy, too easy to point at black women and say stop taking the lead, step back a little. But when there are few men ready to REALLY take on that leadership role EVEN when we are available and ready, PRAY, what shall we do? What are the alternatives?
Nikita you are right on point. What IS the alternative? We don't have a choice but to build our lives and prepare for our future while we wait for mate. I want to be an asset to my husband, not a liability.
While I think it is important to build together, its also important that both people are whole in EVERY area of their lives before getting married.
BIG J... Doesn't a man want a woman that has more to offer than hips, lips and fingertips? (You catch my drift).
This is a great post. You're totally correct it is better to build together than apart. The young lady from Howard should learn that. She must also find a very intelligent, mature, hardworking man as well. That's important too but you can't reject all college men because they're not at the level you want to be. Of course this advice could go towards other women in different walks of life.
"Should she stay at the bottom of the totem pole professionally because she does not want to scare off men? "
-Nikita
The mere act of THINKING this makes it so. I am not suggesting you DO anything differently. I am offering that our invidiual and collective thought processes on this issue are creating unnecessary yet very real blocks to getting what we say we want. If was SAY we want a husband but THINK (which we do more of, by the way, than speaking) he won't be ready for me at this place I'm in, or he will be intimidated by what I have or how strong i am, then he won't and will, respectively.
As a community and country we have yet to tap into the power of thought. the truth that thought makes manifest all of the things in our world.
i challenge all of the women in this space that want different lives, no matter what that means for you, to think thoughts about it that are in line with what you actually want and not those that negate what you say you want.
the subconscious does not care what we say, it only cares and produces emotions that cause actions that shape our lives, based on what we think.
so think, "there is a man who will love me right where I am, for what i am." tell your conscious mind and subconscious mind that he is out there and he's already enough and you are worthy of him. Because often what we have been fed by so many factions and fairy tales, is that no matter what we do or who we are, it will never be enough and because we have, at some deep level taken this into ourselves, we find him, see our reflections and promptly chase him off. (same for the men)
just try monitoring your thoughts on the issue and see how many of them are acting as blocks to having what you say you want.
Damn Jasai. (I meant that in a good way).
Jasai-
The question I asked was really in respect to the article, not my personal thoughts or beliefs. However, when the question is out there - and it IS - I mean, some men may not be privvy to this convo women are having with each other, but it IS being asked, then there is a FEAR there about this issues and it is a FEAR there for a reason. Though none of the guys on this site that I have read the comments of have an aversion to women who do well and get to a certain position in her career, that IS an issue for some men. Heck, the woman in this article had an issue with an apparent good man because of his position, so it goes Both ways. It is a legit question to what is seen by some a legit issue. The real issue becomes and is LEADERSHIP in the home and in the marriage and unfortunately, as this woman has shown with her thinking and stance and alternatively some men with their thinking and stance, this issue DOES exist about women and their careers.
Thanks for the advice, and if I find that my thinking needs tweaking in that area - trust, I will adjust it - no harm, no foul.
Nikita and Toiah,
First, Nikita you get "Post of the Week" honors. Welcome to the blog.
My personal opinion is that the lack of marriage in the black community falls more at the feet of the black man than the black woman. In my "outmoded" way of thinking, the man protects the woman. So I am sensitive to the frustration that many sistas feel. I would never encourage you or any other woman to forego opportunities because they might intimidate some man in the future. However, I do know of instances where women I know have taken corporate opportunities that tie up all their time so that they are unavailable, temporally and emotionally, to people they meet. My wife has a friend that is 35 and travels 2 weeks a month on business and then comes home whining about not finding a man. So as long as you are keeping your career and your possessions in proper perspective, how could you go wrong?
Toiah said: While I think it is important to build together, its also important that both people are whole in EVERY area of their lives before getting married.
No person is whole in every area of their life. I've been married for 5 years and there are plenty of things that I'm working on, such as trying not to get so angry. Same for my wife. Perfecting our emotional state is an unattainable goal, but certainly one we should strive for. There is no sane alternative.
Alternatives:
I used to be totally against it, but I now fully endorse internet dating. It cuts out the bullshit, and I know good brothas that date on the net. I also know several stone-cold crazy women that have found good husbands on the net.
Expand your pool beyond black men.
Go to places where there are likely to be single, masculine men and ask your friends to set you up. Hook ups are great. I've hooked up three marriages! (Call me Dr. Love J)
Personally, I would encourage you to seek men of faith. Go get you a Muslim. They tend to be more in tact emotionally than most black men. They are not afraid to be men. Most guys I know that hang out at church are sissies.
Lastly, I do agree with Mama Jasai that our throught process can affect the way people perceive us or how we perceive situations. It's Karma. It's very important that we stay calm and that we resolve to positive inclination. Smile and take a deep breath. People pick up on that.
Thank you Dr. Love J (LOL) for the honor and the advice. Hmmm. Perhaps today I will take a moment to check myself... just in case. You know, it couldn't hurt 
Take care all and have a great weekend.
This post reminds me of a family discussion I had with my big brother back in 1996. I had just completed my MBA and was waying my various career offers. My brother wanted to chat with me as I was leaning towards a six figure consulting offer in D.C. I would have been able to live at home, commute to work and sock away a good chunk for my first house. My brother was 15 years older than me and was established in his career, was seemingly happily married raising a teenaged daughter. He strongly urged me NOT to take that offer because he said that he knew how much love, marriage and family meant to me. He said that IF I entered that world...I would close the door to meeting a black man who could handle my level of economic success at that age (26 years old). He feared that I would wake up after all of the travel, late hours, etc. and would regret not having a family, etc. I laughed because he looked soooo serious like he was about to cry. So I negotiated some other terms with another employer that would give me more schedule/time flexibility and would eventually enable me to catch up to the income. In hindsight, I met my current husband a few months after that decision at a sorority sister's birthday party. Obviously, in hindsight...I will never know if I would have been in town that weekend and attended that party when we met (smile). But I choose not to live life wondering what I could have/would have done differently because I am in love with my family. I love my daughters (age 3 and 5) and I love my husband (8 years in May). Whether or not it is true, I believe that whatever resume I want I can still "resume" where I left off to start and grow my family. If I decide to return to corporate life, then I will learn at that time the trade-off in life I made in 1996. So my advice is to live life so that you do not have to wonder or complain about "what if", but always keep your priorities "posted on your mirror" so that you can see life clearly from your own eyes.
That's real, Joan.
I have two little sisters that are 22 and 18 and I tell them the same thing. The older one hears me but the younger one ain't havin' it. Great post.
Congrats on 8 years and the fam!
oops! Reread my post...I KNOW I did not post "waying"???
I was thinking "swaying between" and "weighing" so I guess I created a new word-HA! HA! J-I TRULY wasn't trying to hear big brother either but I guess there is wisdom in age sometimes 
I agree with the independent women in this article because I am one of them. But I would also like to add the obvious.
There are not enough good men out there whether they want to admit that or not. I am of the attitude that if I can't have something the way that I want it, then I don't want it at all and am willing to go without it altogether.
That goes for having a family. I want a husband. I want children. But there really aren't a lot of "husband material" in my generation. Period. So, I will wait. But if I end up staying single, I am totally cool with that.
I am not about to spend the rest of my life in a relationship that I don't want just to be able to say "I'm married". I am happy right now being single. If I'm not going to be happy being married, then I am content to stay single.
AYoungerSmarterBlack makes a great emphasis on the need to be satisfied with self and to have a set of expectations for life. I have to admit that at age 17, I knew that my family would come before my career. So although I went on to successfully achieve in my career it was mostly because I was not meeting men who would/could make it to the alter. So I resolved that I would accomplish things with or without a mate and NOT be miserable in the interim. However, one day after spending a few months working in Johannesburg and waiting to change planes in London, a life altering thing happened. I was sitting writing in my journal book about all that I had accomplished and learned while living in South Africa and what/how I would apply this to my next assignment in the U.S. working for S.C. Johnson Wax in Wisconsin. I happened to look up. There in front of me was this beautiful young black couple with a 3 month old baby girl. She was all decked in pink and they were doting over her trying to make her smile with a rattle, etc. It was almost like an orchestrated scene from a movie. All of a sudden, it hit me really hard. I had achieved a lot in life relative to what I had expected at age 17, BUT I could not journal, plan, buy nor earn what I truly longed to have. So in my journal I actually wrote out a prayer to God asking him to guide and direct my life to do HIS will vs. my own. It was a very long prayer and I recall balling really hard in that airport as I wrote it. However, when I finished, I remember having a sense of calm and focus. From that point forward I could hang out with married friends and their children and NOT get annoyed or feel jealous pangs. I returned back to B-school, and could interview for positions and not really be pressed for an offer UNLESS it truly put me in a place where I could be close to my family and support system. So I know that I can only give credit to God and for me taking a moment to listen to my inner voice to pursue life "differently" and without fear. To be bold and not settle for anything that did not get me what I felt that I was purposed to have. Life is never "perfect" but it is the only one we have been granted. We sometimes underestimate the profound power and long term consequences of our choices.
"balling" is another one of my made up words that IS to be construed as "bawling"
I done said it before and I'll say it again. Women have tow jobs if they want to get married; their job and their job after their job of going out on dates.
Men have it easier, in general, as their dating pool expands as they grow older. A woman's shrinks, generally.
Cougars and all of that BS talk exempted, it is ruff out here for women.
I am amazed at the men and women who are shocked that I never dated women younger than myself. And although I got married last yeasr dor the firsttime at 45, my wife was 38.
hell no, I would not have considered dating some young 20-something woman. They like rap music and I can't stand that shyt anymore.
Read all the posts - great insight ladies. I agree that one's dating pool must be expanded if a woman wants to get married.
Patently unfair, women have much more of a burden when it comes to finding a mate.
But above all else, make sure that you don't try to change a man's nature. Wife and I were talking about this last night and she said women just have a tendency to do this. Throw in the towel and don't waste your time. Get what you wnat, but, as pointed outm you've got to weigh the good and the bad in your life's decisions. Be honest. And then go forth having made up your mind what will work best for you.
And no regrets.
Commenting by HaloScan
