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Right on!! I am glad you wrote this!! I've been saying this in one form or another for sometime. Can we get it on the ticker in t-sq?
Anonymous -- I went to public school. That's why I didn't answer your question. Don't worry, I'm not worked up at all - but that's a priceless piece of advice coming from someone who wrote:
"The only thing I hate more than an annoying tourist is a self righteous native New Yorker who thinks he is better than everyone else. Hey Bone, what private school did you go to you little whiney bitch?"
I hope I can calm myself down enough to reach your enviable level of tranquility.
Hollerin -- I don't know when you got here. Made a (pretty good, I suppose?) guess based on stuff you've written.
Hey Bone, don't get so worked up. You never answered my question though...What private school did you go to?
Hey the bone: how do you know when I got here?
1) Show me what's "whiney" in my comment
2) Show me what's "self righteous" in my comment (which, incidentally, was a response to a self righteous attack on tourists, jackass)
3) Show me a private school kid in the city who has ever worn a sweater vest.
Fucking moron.
The only thing I hate more than an annoying tourist is a self righteous native New Yorker who thinks he is better than everyone else. Hey Bone, what private school did you go to you little whiney bitch?
-I hate sweater-vests
The beautiful thing is, thisplaceisdeadanywayguy is NOT a native New Yorker. Doesn't deprive you of the right to bitch about the tourists, but let's be straight. 2 out of every 3 people here DO NOT get mugged, maimed, minced or mauled at least once a week -- that stopped happening about a year or two BEFORE you got here . . . right around the time the tourism really started to pick up. Funny how that worked out.
You know what else is funny? The way the rents here got out of control when crime went down and all these 20 somethings from the suburbs decided it was safe enough to move into the big city, at least for a few years to punch their cool ticket before they head back to the suburbs for the rest of their lives. At least the tourists spend their money and leave after a week.
Isn't the Gawker chick from Ohio or something?
And that should have been "title", not "tile." Maybe I should have proofread this better.
That should have been "supremely." That was a typo.
As a resident of Hollywood, California, I would have to say Amen brother to that rant. However, since L.A. is more spread out, it's much easier to avoid the places where fanny-pack wearing, walking-five-abreast goobers from Utah congregate staring at the buildings, which are not even REMOTELY as tall as the ones in New York, so what's up with that? You just need to stay away from downtown Hollywood, Universal City Walk, Beverly Hills, the Sunset Strip, Third Street in Santa Monica, and Venice Beach and you're dandy.
Having said that, hey, glad to see you people are back to cultivating the image of New York as an apocalyptic living hell populated by muggers, hookers and drug addicts where those that survive on daily basis are sumpremely evolved individuals that only do so through a combination of luck, native intelligence, toughness and resilience.
For a while there, in the 1990's, it looked like L.A. might steal away that tile, what with the earthquakes, floods, fires and Rodney King riots. But then 9/11 came along, bringing New Yorkers back into their comfort zone, burnishing their self-image as the toughest, most ragtag bunch of survivors ever known in the human parade. Good for you guys!
By the way, sorry to hear that the Howard Johnson's in Times Square closed. The food sucked, but it made me nostalgic.
A friend who apparently had some time on their hands had forwarded me this post with the subject "this was practically written for you- you will like it" And let me say, she was right. You so eloquently expressed the VERY SAME sentiments I have every single day I walk through the streets of "the city" (never MANHATTAN). I think the one phrase I repeat ad nauseum under my breath is "fucking tourists..."
Anyone who posted that they wanted to kill you, or that you're mean, or whatever, CLEARLY has no sense of humor, or simply can't relate to what a real New Yorker's plight is like having to dodge fat, ugly, stupid tourists. In fact, I avoid AT ALL COSTS places like Times Sq. I MEAN - C'MON - THEY'RE JUST SOME DAMN LIGHTS! YOU ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN LIGHTS BEFORE! It baffles the mind...really....
Furthermore, there are other cities with tall, large skyscrapers, where they're more tolerant of obnoxiously slow tourists - why don't they go there for their thrills? It would save many of us a lot of heartache...
So, whoever you are who posted this!! Bless you for having the guts and time to articulate what I believe is on EVERY TRUE NEW YORKER'S mind!!
well you made it on gawker.com today. How much is the advertising deal?
I swear to fucking god, I am going to read every single one of your posts, will figure out who the fuck you are, and will come and kill you. You are a closed minded, insensitive prick, and are the reason this country is such a fucking awful, vile place to live. So I will find you and will gut you like a motherfucking sea urching. Die, pond scum.
That was so fucking funny. I think I love you.
If only they didn't think the fkn escalators were amusement park rides. The moving side walks at the airport should have introduced them to the idea. In fact, they shouldn't be allowed to leave JKF until they run up the escalator, kind of a fitness test. Anyone standing still should be deported to Red America right then and there. Same for the guy whose ass is so wide he takes up the whole escalator.
I've lived in NYC and SF and the tourist problems are pretty much the same. My personal pet peeve is the fat family of five or more walking towards you that take up the entire width of the sidewalk but who don't see you because mom's peeking in a shop window and dad's unfurling a giant map and sis is on the cellphone to a friend back home and big brother's checking out the hot girl across the street and junior's on level eleventy million on his PS2, so you duck into a store or leap into traffic to avoid touching them. Or is that just me?
Just because someone isn't (1) a self righteous sexually confused hipster who goes to screenings of their friend's home videos at lower east side coffee houses, or (2) some guido yankee fan, doesn't mean that they are not a New Yorker. By the way I hate tourists and "real" New Yorkers, whatever that means. You can all blow me ...Especially you Ben...you fucking hump.
-fake New Yorker from suburban locale
"SHEEPS MEADOW?" How long have you lived in New York? Two years? Two months? Next time I am trying to get by you while you yack on your cell phone in the middle of an East Village sidewalk, I will be sure to give your smug, uncool ass a swift enough kick to send you back to suburban Chicago or wherever you came from.
Dude--I live in Hell's Kitchen and all I have to say is A-fucking-men. There are days that I just want to hang out my apartment window and pick off tourists with a paintball gun. I'm guessing all the folks who snarkily disagree are either bovine midwesterners who like to think of themselves as "cosmopolitan" (all the while rampantly breaking escalator etiquette and lunching at the 8th avenue Bennigans while lurching down NYC street in packs), or New Yorkers who don't live or work in Midtown. If you don't have to live with the tourist scourge, you're in no position to judge--we're the folks who have to elbow through packs of old ladies and fat people taking up the entire sidewalk to stare STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR just to get to work every day, not you. I think these clueless tourists would be just as happy if they just visited that NYC-themed Casino in Vegas--perhaps we can direct them there.
I have to admit I enjoyed your diatribe at tourists - but it did get old fast and you certainly are a negative, mean-spirited writer - funny, but mean. I guess that qualifies as humor these days, which is kind of sad...Yes, I agree, remember
9/11 and maybe you won't feel so hostile to the strangers around you. Lighten up.
Whoop! Skinned alive on your own blog. There's got to be a rule written against that.
Yes, some tourists don't know how to navigate sidewalks. So? Tell us something we don't know.
How about a rant on the boorish behavior of "true" New Yorkers? Now THAT would be funny.
Wow it's been a while since a blog made me laugh. Thanks!
Anyone who doesn't get that this is tongue and cheek deserves to be brought behind a barn and shot at point blank range. Josh is right. This is not offensive, mostly because it is obviously in jest. Jesus, people need to relax.
I'm shocked people bothered to be offended by this. I thought you made excellent points all around. Tourist are ok generally, we've all been one somewhere. But for the love of fucking God what is it with the families who all wear matching I Love NY fanny packs, alternate colored Yankee hats and walk in rows of three and four? Talk about rude. Jeez.
If you actually think the rest of the country is like that, you're betraying an astonishing lack of sophistication, my friend. A TRUE New Yorker would never do anything like that.
Here's a thought: There are twice as many tourists in this city than you think, it's just that the OTHER half are "blending in" just fine and you don't notice them. (It's probably more like three or four times as many.)
I'm astonished by how quickly you have forgotten 9/11 and what it taught us all--life is too short to be a sniveling bitch. Blind hatred of other human beings will seem so trivial, even to you, when you are inhaling jet fuel and preparing to jump out of a building. Then you'll rely on the tourist you savaged to give your death some kind of meaning.
Ohmy God, (mine, not yours) Totally should have read this prior to visiting your fair city 2 months ago with my 19 and 22 yr old daughters. I actually let the oldest (a fine arts student at an excellent Canadian university - yep - we go fer that higher learnen up here too)wander Chelsea for a day ALL BY HERSELF and I wasn't even worried about the gays! And we are aware of your housing issues - we stayed at the Y. Never ate any sidewalk food though but am afraid we were in the Village. Sorry about that. Actually enjoyed ourselves there but it's not that different from Toronto, just more expensive, louder and oh yeah, ruder. There, managed to say all that without one "eh"
"... 5 food groups, not realizing that there aren't even any food groups anymore, but instead, a "Food Pyramid."
Oy Vey! Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick. An entire essay of ass clown level wrong, wrong, wrong, and oh by the way WRONG.
But you pass for witty according to Ms. Cutler, so I guess that's good enough for the unwashed masses on whose behalf you presume to be bitching.
Your smug self-satisfaction about being a New Yorker makes real New Yorkers laugh at and look down on you.
funny stuff, dude, especially like the behrooz stuff. keep it up.
Dude, that's not how you spell Sheboygan.
Charles! Charles! I have two members of the Swedish bikini team at my apartment! Come now!
See, I'm just going to steal that, translate it and get it distributed to tourists in Paris. OK with that?
By "true New Yorker" you of course mean that you are from the flood plain of a northern New Jersey town, right?
I think the majority of these should be rules for all public places.
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