OK Nate - I was just a sick pervert to the JW's who came to my house, lo these many years ago. I was about 20, was still living at home, and was lounging around the house at around 10:30-11:00 am. Time to take a shower and go to work later. Knock knock!! Well, I'm fresh out of the shower by now, and was the only one in the house. Screw it. Stretch a towel around my backside and answer the door. Two nice looking ladies. "Hi, we're from the local Kingdom Hall...." I tune them out. How to handle it??? Go for it!!!
"Ladies, come on in"
"Sir, Don't you want to get dressed??"
-cont-
"Don't worry about that.... I'm gonna give you gal's a deal. I'm gonna give you 30 minutes to do whatever you want to convert me to your religion, if afterwards, you'll give me the same opportunity"
"Well, sir, what is your religion?"
"Ladies,"giving them my best dirty look, "I'm a practicing Hedonist."
"What's that?"
I actually had to explain it to them. How sheltered. "Ladies, I worship the pleasures of the flesh."
Damn if we didn't get more JW's in the neighborhood for years, but they never seemed to knock on my door.
ROFL
I have been WAITING to do something like that, but I never see them anymore, 'xcept out riding their bikes.
Red, ya shoulda told them you were a priest too
Good stories Nate & Red
Nate,
That was hilarious!! 
Nate, I'd a had you pegged as a guy who would keep a loaded Mossberg 500 filled with buckshot next to the door for just such an occation (Ok, it doesn't really need to even be loaded, they'd get the picture either way). Your method of dealing with things is a heck of a lot funnier though.
Man, that story is so funny. I can't believe some of the crap these mormons believe in. A few years ago, in Houston, I sat next to a guy at work who was a mormon, and I asked him about some of the stuff I had heard, and he confirmed all of it. Like the stuff about God being a guy on another planet, and how you can get to be a god of your own planet when you die. You know, all of that crap.
Well, anyway, I wouldn't mess with them, I would just tell them to go away.
Hilarious story, Nate! I think your visitors probably refer to you amongst themselves as "Lord of Disillusions." I know ya had fun givin' them cultists a hard time, but after I perused yore Blog Harem page, well, let's jest say you may have more in common with the Mormons than ya think!
LOL Wes! Yes, he's also confessed to wearing strange underwear...
Good on ya, Nate. I'm just waiting for 'em to come knockin' on my door.
Nate, that was great! My old pastor used to do something alongs those lines too, invite them in and then witness to them for an hour!
Nate,
You should have converted. I don’t know about Dixie but out here polygamy is very common. You could have had a real harem.
I did the same thing you did, except nicer to a Mormon girl I dated several years ago. She went and asked the local Bishop about my questions. I don’t know if you know about the “Dark Angel” sect but they are real. I got a visit and a description of how I would be disemboweled if I ever talked to the girl again.
I bought my first handgun that payday.
FYI I might go to Salt Lake on business either the end of the week or Mon. If I do I’ll try to remember the camera. I’ll shoot some Mormon houses for ya. I think you’ll get a kick out of them.
I'm down with the South Park song explanation of mormons:
Joseph Smith was called a prophet, dumb dumb dumb dumb...
He found the stones and golden plates, dumb dumb dumb dumb...
Even though nobody else ever saw them, dumb dumb dumb dumb...
I'm just thinking, that's pretty damn intolerant of me.
Consider me a Lucy Harris type arsehole...
Hey Nate, good story.
Scared them have to death, you did...
ooops -
have=half
Nate - LOVED this story. I hate when the Mormons knock on my door, which they do about 2x a year. Maybe if I take a play from your book, they'll stop.
Chris and I were driving to the Smokies last fall, and we passed a big JW Hall. He said he's always wanted to go to one of those places and knock on THEIR door to see how they'd like it...but I was driving, and I wouldn't stop for him. Maybe next time, since your story has inspired me.
I read somewhere that both Smith and Young were opium addicts. When I read that, it explained a great deal.
RJK,
When the morons, oops, I mean Mormons come calling, make *sure* you drink a beer in front of them, and offer them one as well. Drives them nuts.
You want to drink in front of me? Doesn't bother me at all.
Since many evangelical christian churches support missionaries in various places, I would like to know if you would like to have THEM treated the way YOU treated the Mormons. Also, if you are Christian (which from other comments I assume you are), is this the way that God wants you to treat other people? Were the Mormon missionaries rude to you?
Hmmmm.
Hey Resispa, do Mormon houses still have two front doors?
Hey, offer them a beer, and then when they refuse, offer them some coffee, and when they refuse that, offer them a Coke or Dr Pepper.
Did you hear about the Mormon missionaries in Australia who were offered some brownies? They ate them, and then got really sick, because of course the aborigines they were talking to had made pot-brownies!
Nighthawk, personally, while I think these stories are funny, I would just tell the folks "no thank you" and close the door. No, I would not want real Christian missionaries treated the same way.
NightHawk,
Yes, Mormon missionaries have been rude to me. I no longer invite them inside since I've almost had to physically toss them out the door one they got in. Also, I've never personally seen Christians go door-to-door proselytizing (I've heard it happens, but I don't know anyone that's done it, and have never seen it, and this is after 30 years in various churches). Christians tend to invite people to events, such as vollyball, community garage sales, and things of that sort. Our Church also runs a daycare and a crisis pregnancy center as outreach programs.
And the missionaries that we support do things like build houses, build water purification facilities, and things of that sort. They also organize Bible studies and invite anyone that shows an interest to the study - they don't spend their time going door-to-door bothering people.
My wife served as a missionary years ago, in Boston, MA. I have known many missionaries. They are taught to leave immediately if asked, and should be keeping track, so if someone asks that no missionaries ever return, they won't.
Yes, the stories are funny. Most practical jokes are, but rarely to the person who is on the receiving end.
Since I have a daughter who is almost missionary age, and a son who will most likely go on a mission in about a year, I would then ask, "Is this the way YOU want YOUR daughter or son treated?"
You and your son have fun on your other planets.
Easy Astro.
Sorry. That wasn't friendly or Christian of me, was it? I really am sorry; I regretted clicking "OK" right after I did it.
I (usually) constantly remind myself of the advice my HS english teacher gave, that was when you are writing something you feel strongly about, write the first draft, then throw it away and start over, because you'll get the mean stuff out on that draft and be able to write better the second time.
That advice is REALLY useful for a place like the internet.
S'ok... no harm no foul. I'm sure nighthawk has said something he regrets in the past too... no big deal. I was just looking to throw some water out before a flame war got going.
Well NightHawk, actually, if the worst thing that ever happened to my son or daughter was that someone mocked their beliefs, I'd be happy about that. Look at what Muslims routinely do to those that disagree with them, or look at what communists do.
You should be praying that the worst folks they meet are solid Methodists or Baptists, or other mainline denominations.
Actually, I think people from the "mainline" denominations ARE the worst that the missionaries normally meet. Frequently the rudest, anyway.
Nighthawk...
Buddy.. Rude is a whole lot better than dangerous.
I don't think that anyone from a mainline Christian church would take your son or daughter missionary and shoot them or cut their heads off. Nate drinking a beer in front of them is nothing.
Now, I apologize for being rude, so take it or leave it. I still think you guys believe in some crazy stuff, but then again, atheists and humanists think we ALL believe in crazy stuff.
Heck, some might lump my church, the Church of Christ, in with you guys, since the Restoration movement started with the Campbells about the same time as Joseph Smith was getting his revelations, 200 years ago. The thing is, the Campbells didn't make up all new scriptures, they wanted to go back to what the existing scriptures taught.
Like I said rude is FREQUENTLY the worst we see.
We often hear about some of our missionaries who are killed in places such as Russia or Chile. That doesn't happen in the US very much anymore, but it sure happened a lot about a hundred years ago.
.........
Well, Astrosmith, I would like to point out that our church was started because a young man asked God where to find the real truth. Everything else followed from that first prayer.
Several of our early leaders and members came out of the Campbell organizations. Most of our current members come out of the other "mainline" churches. All asking the same questions of God.
If anyone would like to continue the conversation, email me, and I'll answer as much as I can on my blog. I wouldn't want to clutter Nate's place up too much.
hey nighthawk.. refresh the blog dude... I think you may be missing something.
Bill,
"Hey Resispa, do Mormon houses still have two front doors?
Ya, some of them do. They also build them to look like multi units or puds.
Why would they have two front doors?
Astrosmith,
I didn’t think Mormons were allowed to debate with folks from the C of C. A guy by the name of Otis Gatewood did missionary work in UT back in the early 40’s and he confounded them so badly that after several debates where the LDS lost badly, they issued an opinion to avoid the C of C.
Gatewood went on to spend the next 45 years smuggling bibles into the USSR.
Each wife gets her own "house" or at least door.
Hah! I was thinking one door for each wife, but I thought certainly not...
Well, res, I'm not that good of a C of C member that I can go debate anyone. I know that my church's elders and minister could probably debate rings around most Christians, though.
Haha, great blog Nate.
Thank God that "missionaries" (that word had become so degraded) don't journey out into the country. I should be an asshole more often.
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