Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook
and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes
the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB.
Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"
Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door,
I said to her, "You must be Chook's widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab?"
C'mon, it was an honest mistake - if a public school teacher is caught with those things you KNOW they don't know how to use them.
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have
continued, but at that moment one little girl (who was listening
carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and quite audibly
in her shrill little girl voice asked,
"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Why doesn't a bicycle move by itself?
Because it's two-tired.
nice...
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed into the meeting yelling "Fire!".
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried "Where's the water?".
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door, declaring that fire was evil.
The Catholics passed took up a collection to cover the damage.
The Jews marked the doorway, hoping the fire would pass by.
The Congregationalists shouted "Every man for himself!".
The Fundamentalists proclaimed "It's the vengeance of God!".
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Mormons held a meeting to discuss the origin of the fire and possible methods of dealing with it.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
A true story (names have been changed).
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike
(middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the
table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity,
and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
From the oh so true department.
A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality.
"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."
"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
Why did Tigger go down the toilet??
He was looking for Pooh
Here's one about Al Bundy inspired marital bliss...
Man rings up his wife:
"I've won the lottery!!! I've won a million dollars!! Pack your bags!"
Wife:
"That's great! What should I pack for? The beach? The mountains?"
Husband:
"I don't care, just fuck off !!"
By Isaac Asimov:
Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.
When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do).
Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was:
"A niche in time saves Stein."
-
And another:
Lisa was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked."
Ouch:
A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.
"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.
-
After numerous rounds of 'we don't even know if Osama is still alive,' Osama himself decided to send George W a letter to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Condolezza Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue what the code meant either, worried about this, they sent it to the CIA. No code-breakers could solve it there either, so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and then the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
A man locks himself out of his house. The locksmith is closed for the night so the man gets up and runs around his house. He runs and runs and runs until he is all in.
At a retirement dinner I was just at, this joke was told to a pregnant lady;
Man; Hello ma'am, I see you're pregnant. You know, I hear giving birth is an incredibly painful experience. I, as a man, have experienced a pain like childbirth twice in my life.
Women; When was that?
Man; The first time was once when I was out hiking in the woods. I had to go to the bathroom, "Number Two" as they say, so I squatted by a bush. Little did I know there was a bear trap in the bush, and when I pooped on it, it sprung, WHAP, onto my nuts! That was the first time I felt a pain like childbirth.
Women; What was the second?
Man; When the chain on the trap ran out.
Groan
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