Two guys meet on the street. Named Yale and Jack
Yale: I know a guy with wooden leg named
Smith
Jack: What is the name of his other leg?
Two guys meet. Named Yale and Jack
Yale: I know a guy who works at a watch factory.
Jack: What does he do?
Yale: He stands around all day making faces.
Jokes courtesy of my 8 year old son, Yale. With approval from my 5 year old son, Jack.
So where's Yale gonna go to school?
He has been homeschooled from the start. I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth than let him near a public school.
So... Harvard then?
A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn't want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he'd hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.
The employee thought, "How did he do that?" Next he took him to a pile of 2x4's. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.
Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more. Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over.
They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said
"You think you've got me, don't you? Well I know what that is. That's the shit house door off of a tuna boat!
... So Harvard then...
Smart Guy!!!
Of course it is a 'private school.'
Yale asked me a few months ago if I was going to 'home college' him. I guess if I could get my house accredited I could.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost
went unnoticed in recent news.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Poky", died peacefully
at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin.
They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
SHUT UP. You know it's funny.
JohnR, it may well be that by the time your boys are old enough for college there will be many accredited online university for them to choose from.
That's f'ing CLASSIC papa.
Papa, that is the best bad joke so far!
I just got this in an email from my mother.
USRS Forces:
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-Man elite fighting unit called the U. S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, North Carolina boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given only the following facts about the Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
I would just like to say how happy I am that BJW is back. We are all quaranteed with - as TeenyTiny likes to call them - the pox.
Understanding Kiwi talk...
BETTING: 'Betting Gloves' are worn by 'betsmen' in 'crucket'.
BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the 'nick' and the 'billy'.
BUGGER: As in 'mine is bugger then yours'.
CHULLY BUN: 'Chilly bin' also known as an ESKY'
COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.
DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like 'Surria', 'E-Jupp' and 'Libernon. '
GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.
CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.
SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.
CUSS: Kiss.
DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton.
CHULLY BUN: 'Chilly bin' also known as an ESKY'
Of course, how many here will even know what and ESKY is?
JamieR: Bwhahahaha!!!!
What would the Bloggerblaster be without Jamie?
I don't know.. the best bad joke of the week in my oppinion was when Morgan valiently defended me against those crazy condederate accusations..
Me! still fighting the war! its just... crazy!
Knock Knock
Who's....
Control Freak Who!!!
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
Excellent! Some shining examples today.
My turn:
Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to moult, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.
Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!
Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.
Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen!
A shorter one:
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers.
Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle."
OK...dont' post too awful much, and never before participated in BJW, so take it easy on me...
What do you call the brown squishy stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow Natives
Thanks...I'll be here all week.
Jamie R,
You racially insensitive misogynic wanker!
What would we do without you?
SHANE!
Welcome back buddy! We missed ya!
Hey did ya hear Kristy's gettin' boobs?
Q. What do you call an exploding monkey?
A. A baboom.
Nate, WTF?
What? We can't be excited about our friend gettin' a boob job? I mean... she's excited about it.
I just wasn't sure that's what you were talking about. Good for you Kristy!!!! Everyone I know who has gotten one LOVED it.
You see this guy from Arkansas was allergic to cows milk and his doctor told him he needed to drink milk because of a bone disease. So the doctor told him to try goats milk, but he was alergic to that as well.
After this the doctor told him about a program where he could get human milk, that the women with breast pumps donated it. He got set up in the program with mother.
He called her and she said come by at noon and I'll have some for you. Well, he goes by and she said she had been too busy with the baby to do it. She said you can just take it straight from the source if you like, there is nothing wrong with that. He agreed and started feeding.
Now she gets all hot and bothered and says: Is there anything else you want,ANYTHING. The guy say's, YEAH! You got some cornbread?
With a mother, Damn
Did you hear about the suicide bomber trainer? He said now listen up boys I am just going to show you this one time.
What's the penalty for bigamy in Utah?
Two mothers-in-law.
An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
"Hey did ya hear Kristy's gettin' boobs?"
She'll leave him, they always do. Poor sap buys a pair of titties and somebody else gets to play with 'em. Never fails.
ARRGH!
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Hand him a used tampon and ask him what period it's from.
Morgan: bwhahahahaha!!!!
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