Wonko`s World
Bleedin hate them too. But I have a cure....
.....
Lay out some soft cushions - preferably by a radiator or a nice spot in the sun.
,,,
Next - get a nice fresh bowl of creamy milk, and place it next to the cushions..
Leave your back door open and wait. After about an hour you will have a furry purring rat in your house. Rush out wielding your choice of implement (I prefer a garden spade) Bash the bastard cats brains into soup with the back of your spade. Works a treat. The added bonus is that after 5 days i like to answer the front door to a distraught neighbour with crinkled picture of the said animal asking have i seen tiddles? Keep a stony serious face give the picture a really good examine before saying No - sorry.
See if they notice your new feline slippers.
lol that will have you up in front of the beak in no time.
I suggest a dog, something fast and fearless... a terrier of some kind.
Doesn't get rid of the shit all over the place problem but it certainly gets rid of the moggies.
Rob, your idea is tempting but messy. Also I have children and they might be slightly traumatised by the sight of a cats head mashed all over the hallway carpet.
I'm rethinking my approach and trying to think of non-lethal ways of sorting them out. I can't run fast enough to get a foot to them and the road is too narrow to get enough speed to catch them up and run them over. I thought of a BB gun but then the RSPCA would have me locked up for breaking the vermins bones. Do you reckon a 1-77 air rifle and salt pellets would discourage the vermin from coming back?
All joking apart, Stuart, yes, you would get into trouble, specifically and particularly, with the increasingly militant RSPCA. I have another potential solution - one which I successfully adopted - I bought a dog. True, he too is a complicated piece of machinery for turning food into faeces, but at least the neighbourhood cats have stopped using my front garden as a public toilet.
Another method an acquaintance of mine swears, by but which is - possibly - apocryphal, is to encourage one of them into your garage, then, clad in motor cycle leathers and gauntlets, pick the creature up, and force 'Firey Jack' up its' ring-piece. Then, simply open the garage door and you'll never see the blighter again!
A dog would be a solution but both myself and Mrs Sane work and we really don't have the time or energy to look after 4 young children and a dog! The poor thing would be home alone all day and I know that after a few weeks it would fall to me entirely to walk the damn thing.
Live Update:
Just saw a cat in the garden, threw a spoon at it (first thing to hand) but it was too fast and got away.
Know what you mean. I was the only one who didn't want him - Mrs Bazil and the kids wore me down - and now, four years on, guess who walks him three times a day, feeds him and pays all the vet bills etc...
At least the garden isn't full of other people's cat shit though... I think it's called a Pyrrhic victory.
You have very odd cats where you live!
Leaving sh*t everywhere is usually more the behaviour of dogs! Cats normally cover stuff.
I find your comments quite disturbing----but would be more than happy to apply your barbaric solutions to the heads of the small human brats that scream & wail all day long! And we have the school holidays to get through yet.
So---now you are offended---now you know how it feels--I'm on the side of the cats! But will do you a deal--for every cat you smack we'll smack a kid, eh?
Right--now that I have calmed down from reading all the inhumane comments...
It would never occur to me to hurt or threaten a living creature, child or animal--but when I read all the cruel ideas, I felt I had to respond!
I love cats very much. The only way to voice the despair that you made me feel with your comments is to equate it to something in your world which is precious to you.
There are many parents who believe that everyone loves their children, however badly behaved & unruly they may be. Sorry they don't! Just as you hate cats....
But---unlike you (or what you appear to be from your cruel fantasies)---I wouldn't hurt or cause the pain that you would inflict on another living creature.
Three solutions that work and won't get you infront of the beak.
1. Speak to a friendly and ask if they can sell you a bag of lion shit (other big bat poo will work too). Dig this into your garden as you would with a fertilizer. Hey presto no cats whatsoever.
2. You can get sonic repellers from certain mail order companies. They do work most of the time. trouble is dogs don't like them.
3. A big super soaker water pistol and wait for the little git before blasting him off the fence. This is fun.
Hope this helps
Oops. Solution 1 should read ' speak to a friendly zoo'! Sorry brain failure
Linda, I did say that I would dispatch them in a humane way, I'm not a barbarian. I grew up in the country, I used to go hunting vermin (rabbits, pigeons, etc). I wouldn't make an animal suffer but there is only one effective way of dealing with vermin and that is to kill them.
I'm not offended by the way.
M.C., Mrs Sane's nan has tried the sonic repellers but they don't seem to work. Not too many zoo's in Telford either. 
I've tried the water thing - jugs of water, etc., but they still come back.
Linda, I forgot to say - if it's a choice between popping off a few vermin and my kids getting nasty diseases from all the cat shit (yes there is that much of it) then it's a simple choice.
Allegedly, cats are scared of snakes. If you know roughly where they come in, place a couple of fake rubber snakes there.
Or buy a real snake that's big enough to eat cats. 
Hey up Stu, your dislike of cats is legendary and I can fully understand. Nothing smells worse than cat shit that has been buried for a couple of days in your garden.
I disagree with the brutal slaughter of them - I'm a cat owner - and the use of a BB gun or an airgun may get you into trouble with PC Plod - or at least the ones not manning speed cameras.
We have a problem with some of the local cats using our garden as a giant litter tray. I bought some cat repellent from B&Q and was told that the best thing to use is called "Get out of my Garden" or something similar, I've slept since I was told.
An alternative to the dog, have you tried pissing all over your own garden?
You think I'll get into trouble for shooting them with salt pellets?
Did the cat repellent work and is it safe for kids?
If I could catch the buggers, I could use the Haresoft Cat Carrier.
re MBE's rubber snakes, try cutting up an old hose, my dad reckons it works a treat. You have to move it to a new position every other day but it's either that or connecting the hose to the mains and watching your garden 24/7
Dave
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats.
When women aren't looking,
men kick cats...
Fact
The real enemy of cats are irresponsible owners who can not be bothered training their cat into using the litter tray.
On the council estate where I live, if your dog craps outdoors and on council owned land then you face the prospect of an on the spot fine or being prosecuted.
Cats, on the other hand, can crap anywhere, including council owned land and property ie. council tenants gardens and no action will be taken against the cat owner!!!
According to my local council website:
"Dog Fouling
Why it must be controlled
* It is unpleasant and anti-social.
* It may cause disease and illness.
* It can cause nuisance - stepping - falling - cycling - pram wheels and wheelchairs rolling in it and
* Smell"
So, is cat crap any different from that of dog`s, of course not but if you try and get the council to take action they simply tell you that there is nothing you can do (in law) to address the problem.
To my mind, the council is simply passing the buck in that my garden belongs to the council and, as a tenant of their`s, I feel that they have an obligation to protect my family from this `hazardous waste` which, amongst other things, can cause pregnat mothers to abort!!!
The council may simply tell you (`the tenant`) that it is a private matter between you and the cat owner, thereby avoiding getting entangled in what could be expensive legal action.
We constantly hear of cats being poisoned by people who can find no other solution to the problem but its not the cats at fault; rather the law which does not offer a remedy and irresponsible cat owners.
The law should be changed re domesticated cats so as to put their owners on a par with dog owners as they have gotten away with it for far too long.
Lobby your MP/Parliament and put pressure on them to bring about the change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why don't you and your bone idle missus try and clean the shit up, instead of letting your horrible little sprogs wallow in it.
Otherwise, try moving - Telford's full of shit (and wankers like you) anyway.
You dirty old man.........
Why don't you go fuck yourself Danny Wright?
The supersoaker water pistol is a great idea but works better if you fill it with bleach. Kitty doesn't come back for more. Alternatively leave tasty treats about but lace them with warfarin tablets. Kitty will just fade away in a stoke like haze. Very amusing to watch if you manage to witness it. Altenatively you can use the mercury from old mercury barometers which you can pick up for peanuts at auctions. Kitty then succombs to a condition akin to St Vitus dance, also highly entertaining if witnessed, especially if you can dress kitty in sequined leotard with topper and cane before hand. Cats are such vile creatures that there is nothing so satisfying as causing them unspeakable agony, except of course doing the same to their owners.
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